Initiated thought circa 01:33:17 30 set 2024.

I don’t know. You’ll see it. Somehow, you’ll see the through line.

... I’ve been leaving the house with less and less. I’ve been carrying smaller bags. Going farther with fewer things. I’ve been leaving with nothing. With even no thought.

I’ve been coming home putting things down and leaving again. I’ve been offloading. I’ve been changing my game. I’ve been changing how I play.

I don’t script like I used to it’s easy. I’m less socially drained. There’s nothing to prepare for. I can handle it I know I can. I’ve trained and I’ve trained and I can handle it I know it can. I’m less socially drained. I don’t use my training I don’t need it. I don’t need scripts. I go out in the world and I be. I exist in the world and I be. I don’t need scripts I don’t use my training and I’m less socially drained. I can handle it.

I was laughing a few months ago thinking about men. They amuse me, much in the ways anyone can, but in this, there is a particular phenomenon amongst men. They carry small bags. They carry nothing. Forgive my generalisation. But it is common, it has been noted. I thought, they feel safe. This isn’t true, generally, but they feel safe. If not safe, they do not feel so threatened they need to prepare. They have what they need on their person and they presume no matter what happens they are prepared for their day. This is of course not just men, forgive my generalisation, but it’s a phenomenon common amongst those socialised as Men.

I’ve been leaving the house with fewer and fewer things I haven’t been scripting there’s been less and less time between my thoughts and the actions that follow my ideas and the execution the thought and the production. I’ve been steady. I’ve been consistent. I’ve been good.

The lands are equal the territories are equal. I’ve been feeling as at ease outside of a house as I do inside. I’ve been feeling more seated outside a house than I do in one. I’ve been feeling more me outside a house than I do in one. I’ve identified a planet as a home because I’m always home. If I’m the home, I’m at home and I leave the house.

I’ve been making decisions. It’s easy. I used to think I was indecisive. I make decisions and it’s easy. I can handle it. I can handle what comes and make more decisions as it does. I can handle it. Because of this it’s easy to make decisions. All there is is life and death and I can handle it. I suppose there’s pain, but I can handle it and that’s life, if there are only two, that falls under the former and that’s life, and I can handle life so I make decisions. I make them because I know what I want and nothing is insurmountable just another factor to take in. I make decisions and something happens maybe I like it and maybe I don’t. If I don’t I’ve entered new data and life goes on so I’ve handled it.

I’ve been leaving the house with fewer things, I haven’t been scripting, I be, the territories are equal, I ease outside the house, ease [a verb], I [be at ease] when I leave, I ease when I leave, I’ve been using smaller and smaller bags, I leave with nothing on my person, and I handle it, I travel miles like I travel inches and I’m always at ease it is easy. I’ve been relieved.

I learned a few months ago to be and always just be and I’ve always just been, but I had thought there were people who allow you to be and there are people who do not and thought you can always be but you mask for the people who do not. I learned a few months ago to be and only be, for all, and it has been easy. I’ve been relieved. I haven’t been scripting like I used to and I can handle it because I’m at ease. I love it. It is easy.

I change and I be in many ways and I allow myself to be. I had thought to be I need to be only one and I realised I am not one I am always many and have always been and what it means for me to just be is to be the many I’ve always been. To be one is not to be me and I am me. I love to be.

I’ve been in the world and it is easy and I don’t know how I had thought it wasn’t easy. I don’t know what is ‘easy’. It has occurred to me I don’t know the difference between ‘hard’ and ‘easy’. I struggle sometimes. I struggle with words which now has me amused maybe I do know hard and easy, but no I don’t know ‘easy’. I’m often inclined to use ‘easy’ but I note there is resistance to language of ‘easy’ but I don’t know ‘hard’, that’s not true I know when something is not ‘easy’ there are a few, I have ideas of ‘not easy’, but I often disagree on what is ‘hard’ but it’s only a word it’s only subjective of course I disagree there’s room. I don’t know the difference between ‘easy’ and I can handle it, it can be done. If I can handle it and it can be done then it is easy, it will be done, if I wish. If it takes time, it takes time and it can still be easy, if it takes effort it takes effort and it is easy if I must think then I must think and it is easy I don’t know when it’s supposed to not be easy [”supposed to” to who? I don’t know because for me it’s easy]. If it takes me ten years then it takes me ten years and it is easy. What makes it not easy? Are you distressed?

I’m at ease and it’s easy. I’m not distressed and it’s easy. Maybe if distressed then it’s not easy. This might make sense. I’m frequently at ease when I “shouldn’t” be so then it’s easy.

I can do things because I’m okay with what’s to come. I’m happy with what’s to come. What’s to come is life and life has been and life will come and it is easy I like life. I love it and it is easy. I trust I can handle what’s to come I know I endure I have before I suffer and I endure I hurt and I endure and I smile and I laugh and I joy and I live and it is easy.

So I make decisions, I leave the house with less and less, I travel farther with fewer things, I make shorter plans, I partner with instincts, I travel miles like I travel half inches, I haven’t been scripting, I make decisions, and I think. I be and create and I am.

I used to study my through lines, I don’t know if this is true, but I had studied a through line and I used to escape it was something about eloping I used to escape I used to run free.

I travel in now and I travel out, but I travel in, I don’t need to escape because I can sit in and I can be and I live.

I travel in the world and I travel out of it, and I did much of the travelling out, but I travel in now and I live and it is easy. [05:37:30 2 oct 2024.]

5:44:23.

I’ll be honest, I have little memory before the 15th, and I don’t care to look further backward. I also haven’t taken many photos in the last week, since the 15th. I’ve just been living and really enjoying it, I had an amazing week. I don’t have much to say or show, but I’m saying hi. Hello.

An exposition will still follow.

February, so far, or what I remember of it anyhow.

Exposition

February 22, 2026 23:18:47

I’m sorry, I don’t think I can actually write for you this evening. Something I’ve forgone starting the night of February 17th is thinking thoughts, and although I’m still sharing notes throughout the month, consciously thinking thoughts with the intent of thinking thoughts and exercising thinking thoughts is not only not what I want, but inaccessible to me somehow. If it happens, I write it down. I’m obedient. That’s about all I can manage right now, but I’m rather decidedly not thinking thoughts, so this will be it for now. I’ve loved sharing space with you anyhow.

My world

Reading

Selections from images I took while reading. You could say these moments made me feel seen somehow.

This is a strange one as I start new life. Thanks for being here anyhow.

See you next month.

23:43:05

Last listens of today, 8:46–9:21 pm:

Strikethrough: Occasionally used to edit typos

*[—]: Indicates text or characters added in publishing for this newsletter; often used to clarify timestamps

15 February 2026

My clock reset

And I’m not setting it back
This is my third day alive
[laughs]

It’s not that I think my life is worth less than yours, It’s that I’m smart enough to know I cannot measure the value of your life, I cannot evaluate your life, I cannot appraise your life. Because you exist almost entirely of potential. You are made almost entirely of potential.

16 February 2026

What does it mean to be a good daughter? What does it mean to be a good son? I know what it means to be a good parent.

Good son. You just have to exist.

“Having a child is the most selfish thing in the world”
Again. You think being selfish is bad. That’s not an insult.

[Bad. “Bad.”]

17 February 2026

I would only need to be like you if I didn’t like diversity. I like diversity. Thus, I love myself.

Not allowed to be stressed
Pregnant

Pretend you’re carrying life because you are

18 February 2026

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Education. This is a quote about education. And you can always change your education. Pick a new environment. Change your sources. Who is your educator. From whom are you learning.

I love wearing my own clothing.

I’m making the world I live in. I live in the world I’m making.

I’ve never seen other people as right and me as wrong. If we were different, we were different. That was about the only conclusion I could draw.

I love seeing people have nice things

19 February 2026

Non mi importa di essere intelligente. Ed è per questo motivo che posso vivere.

Il primo insulto che usano tanti è sei st*pido, non sei intelligente, ma che ti prende. Vogliono dire che c’è qualcosa di fondamentale che non va in te. Cosa hai che non va? E la cosa buffa, la cosa curiosa è che essere “intelligente” non ti salva così tanto, così spesso. Non importa come penseresti. Forse essere intelligente, ma essere “intelligente” è un’altra cosa. Essere “intelligente” dipende dagli altri. Non puoi essere non intelligente. E una cosa intelligente tende a volere “live up to” la sua intelligenza. E poi, inizia a provare “intelligenza” agli altri. Ha già qualche intelligenza ma questo non basta, vuole anche provare l’esistenza dell’intelligenza che cercano gli altri (qualche intelligenza artificiale, divertente, ma sì, è qualche intelligenza falsa, intelligenza costruita, meno fondamentale).

E poi, alla fine, fa delle cose “meno intelligenti” come non riposare, non ascoltare il corpo (sai, l’intero sistema che gli permette di essere vivo, quello corpo), non ascoltare la mente (sai, quella cosa che dev’essere così “intelligente”, ma perché ascoltarla), e vivere per dimostrare agli altri di essere bravo senza pensare, argomentare, ragionare (sai, senza usare quell’intelligenza o “intelligenza”).

Ma non lo giudico, questo modo di comportarsi, non lo giudico comunque e anche ne facevo parte. È col tempo che mi rendo conto, ogni volta che ho qualche difficoltà fondamentale, ogni volta che trovo qualche ostacolo che mi fa male, ogni volta che mi trovo in un periodo di non stare bene, quando cerco e cerco e cerco la ragione, la causa, l’inizio del filo, trovo qualcosa a che fare con dimostrare di essere intelligente e dimostrare di essere brava. (Le due sono sempre collegate, o almeno quasi sempre collegate perché nella nostra cultura, anche se non sono consapevoli di promuovere quest’idea, questa credenza, quasi tutti in qualche modo sostengono l’idea che se non sei bravo, sei meno intelligente, se non sei bravo, non meriti di vivere, di goderti dei “diritti fondamentali” “diritti dell’uomo” [solo per gli umani bravi, mm?], se non sei intelligente, se non puoi contribuire ai “nostri” obiettivi, non meriti di essere vivo, non meriti di vivere su questa terra, nella “nostra” società, se non sei Bravo. Se non sei Intelligente. Se non sei Noi. Se non sei Come Noi. Se non fai Parte di Noi. Se non Appartieni a Noi. Ma forse non sarebbe una problema se smettessi di esistere. Ma forse non ti abbiamo bisogno. E se qualcosa succedesse a te, mmm… Beh, la vita continua. Infatti, anche se noi facessimo qualcosa, se fossimo noi a farti succedere qualche cosa, mmm… ma va beh, Cosa avremmo dovuto fare? Farti rovinare la “nostra” società? E se tu combinassi una cosa catastrofica, ma dai, Cosa dobbiamo fare? Devi essere Intelligente e devi essere Bravo.

Ma la cosa è che “noi” non è mai “noi”. E “noi” non si riferisce mai allo stesso “noi”, da una persona all’altra. Sai cosa significa? Significa che tutti sono un bersaglio. Per tutti, si potrebbe trovare un “noi” a cui non si fa parte. Ma va bene così, no?)

Questo sarebbe il motivo per cui le persone che lavorano nel settore della giustizia per le persone disabili provano sempre a dirti che pregiudizio contro la disabilità (o anche la percezione di qualche disabilità, anche se non esiste veramente), l’abilismo, è una problema per tutti. Non solo per le persone disabili. Ogniqualvolta qualcuno vuole argomentare contro il tuo diritto di esistere, il tuo diritto di vivere, vuole terminare la tua vita, in qualche modo, sarà collegato il concetto di avere qualcosa che non va in te. Adesso ti dico, te lo giuro, se tu non sei abbastanza bravo, e forse più, se tu non sei Intelligente, se tu non hai le abilità sufficienti (nell’opinione di qualcun altro) sarà quasi sempre il motivo per cui qualcuno è disposto e gli sta bene porre fine alla tua vita o privarti della vita. E ogni volta che qualcuno vuole vedere qualche progresso nel mondo, vuole che tutti vivano bene, in pace, in un mondo realizzato con uguaglianza, quasi ogni volta, se trova che non sei Intelligente e non sei Bravo, che la tua intelligenza non ti porta ai stessi obiettivi e idee ai suoi, questo progresso, questa pace, questa uguaglianza non sta per te. Non esiste per te. Devi essere Intelligente. Nel modo in cui lui è intelligente. La tua intelligenza deve abbinare la sua. Finché vuoi “meritare” di essere vivo.

Comunque ho trovato che tante delle persone che hanno qualche giudizio di qualcuno al potere, qualcuno che fa male a tanti altri o, più accuratamente, ha accesso a più persone per farle male, hanno alcune idee in comune con queste persone, e dato che possono vedere i problemi in queste idee e questi modi di comportarsi, (e sarei d’accordo che ci sono dei problemi con queste idee e questi modi di comportarsi), perché permetterei a queste persone di farmi ciò che qualcun altro ha fatto loro, ciò che, siamo d’accordo, non va bene. Perché permetterei loro di diventare ciò che odiano. No. Prima, amo me stessa, e non mi farò del male senza “buon” motivo, e ti amo, vi amo, amo loro. Non gli permetterò di diventare ciò che odiano.

Quindi, eccoci qua. Arrivati all’inizio. E alla fine. Non mi importa di essere intelligente.

Mi sono spiegata bene?

You know what, I’ll do you a favour. I won’t let you become the thing you hate. I’ll stand up for myself. And I’m not going to follow your rules.

You will not be come thing you hate. I won’t allow it. I love you.

That will almost always be the reason someone is willing to [end] and fine with ending your life or depriving you of life. You must be Intelligent and you must be Good.

Devi essere Intelligente e devi essere Bravo.

Non sono intelligente e non sono brava.

Cosa sono.

Non sono intelligente e non sono brava. Non sono intelligente e non sono affatto brava. E adesso? Cosa facciamo.

Dimmi. Dimmelo. Guardami negli occhi e dimmelo. Dimmi che non merito di essere viva. Dimmi che non appartengo alla tua società. Dimmelo. Voglio che tu mi dica esattamente chi sono e tu chi sei. Dimmi come funziona la tua società. Dimmi del mondo in cui vuoi vivere.

Non sono intelligente e non sono affatto brava. E adesso? Cosa facciamo? Cosa dobbiamo fare?

Dimmi. Dimmi del mondo in cui vuoi vivere. Dimmi come funziona la tua società. Sei tu. Hai il potere. Dimmi della società. Dimmi come funzionerà. Come funzionerebbe. Sei tu che hai tutto il potere. Tu fai le regole. Dimmi come funziona se non sei intelligente né brava. Dimmi come funziona per una come me. Ti dico che non sono affatto intelligente né brava. Che tipo di leader tu sei. Cosa dici succede.

20 February 2026

Disabled people [“Disabled people”. Read: Is anyone not disabled.]

It didn’t have to happen.

There wasn’t some curriculum designed that said hurt her, and then she’ll learn this. No. It’s more like a series of ifs and thens. If this happens, she’ll learn this; if this happens, she’ll learn this; if This happens, she’ll learn… If then, if then, if then. It’s just that of all the ifs that could’ve happened that one happened. That was your if and this is your then.

Ma non sia una confessione d’insicurezza? È questo che mi fa confondere.

Intelligenza _____ nel marketing, nel lavoro creativo, nel branding, nell’immagine del brand. Mi dici che cosa fai tu non è abbastanza, e devo comprare da te? Dimmi che sei abbastanza. Dimmi che sai cosa puoi fare. Dimmi che non importa come sembra, cosa fai è più di abbastanza. Saresti tu a dirmi che non sei abbastanza. Che non devo comprare da te. Che se vedessi il tuo lavoro proprio da solo senza una certa aumento, non mi piacerebbe. Nella vita reale, non mi piacerebbe. Non basta da solo. Sei tu a dirmelo.

Ricorda, vivo nella vita reale, quindi cosa devo fare?

Se mi dici che non basta nella vita reale, cosa devo fare?

Why would you tell me that you’re insufficient?
Why would tell me I would never like your work on its own?

Walking down the street and adjusting
It’s like how you’re not supposed to walk down the street constantly adjusting yourself unless something is really wrong, because it’s hardly ever wrong, but you are successfully communicating I think something is wrong, so even if nothing were wrong, anyone who sees you and interacts with you is more likely to actively begin searching for something wrong. Why are they doing that. What’s wrong. And I mean if you’re searching you will find it. Or it’s easier to find it. Or it’s easy to say anything’s wrong. Maybe nothing is wrong, but if you want something to be wrong, I can find anything to be wrong and call it wrong. So you’re telling people Something is wrong, something natural is wrong, it cannot be trusted, it needed adjustment, and then? Not only must I presume something’s wrong, but with something like your image, I won’t even know how to look for what’s wrong, to at least say, I can tolerate that, and still take it. I won’t know what part if any part of the image is true to form. All I know is something’s wrong. Because that’s what you told me. Something is wrong. Do you think you’re not enough. And this isn’t a judgement, because I surely act many times in ways that suggest I’m not enough, it’s very common, it’s not that special of you to do so. And I’m more than certain you have been told very clearly, being natural, that you were not enough, of that I am certain. There are industry standards. There are standards to uphold. You’re running a business. You must be a professional. So I understand. This feels like a contradiction from the world and maybe it’s only in the contradiction that we become clear how much there shouldn’t be standards to uphold not in that sense. So you were told one thing and then another. I understand. I can only communicate my current experience. You’re telling me not to trust you, so I won’t. That’s all I’m saying.

“Sai riconoscere quale di riprese è AI?

Ormai è quasi impossibile distinguere cosa è reale, e cosa no.

Ma il punto è: ha davvero importanza?”

Sì, ha davvero importanza, ma la tua domanda mi dice che sei confuso su quale tipo d’importanza e importanza in che senso.

No. La risposta alla tua prima domanda è no. Non so sempre come riconoscere le “cose reali” dai prodotti d’AI (sono tutti reali, no?). A volte sì. A volte no. Non rimango aggiornata su tutti gli avanzamenti d’AI e non metto impegno a farlo. Quindi no. Certamente, no. Alcuni dicono ma guarda quello stile, guarda i colori, guarda questo, guarda quello. Queste cose fanno anche gli umani, il che sarebbe il punto. Che i sistemi hanno “imparato” a fare ciò che fanno gli umani, quindi non possono tutti essere segnali d’AI. E non so sempre la differenza. Non mi importa sapere sempre la differenza. Non passo ore a studiare ma come posso riconoscere tutti i prodotti d’AI. La risposta è no.

Il fatto che non si possa sempre riconoscere la differenza non importa tanto. Forse per alcuni altri. Forse tanti altri hanno detto, ma guarda, le immagini non sono nemmeno belle, guarda come fake tutte sono, non hanno nemmeno lo stesso impatto, non ne valgono la pena.

Ovviamente, non è sempre vero.

Questo non è l’importanza. Ti dirò l’importanza per me.

L’importanza per me, e questo è più specifico a come lo usi, in che modo, per fare cosa, e cosa sia il tuo obiettivo, ma l’importanza per me è che hai paura di la verità. E se mi dici che hai paura di la verità, non avrò paura, ma mi fiderò di te, c’è qualcosa di meno attraente nella tua verità. Questo non dev’essere vero. Infatti, so che non è vero, ma credo un po’ nella “energia”, sai? Diciamo che sono “una di quelle persone” va beh. Credo un po’ nella “energia”, e non solo “nell’energia” ma forse nella promemoria tangibile delle tue credenze sulla realtà. So bene, se ho abbastanza promemorie delle credenze di qualcun altro, inizieranno a essere confusi con i propri pensieri e credenze. So come funziona Learning. L’apprendimento. La formazione. La didattica. So come funziona. Quindi, se mi dici la verità, la tua versione della verità, che ciò che fai tu non è abbastanza, che devi cambiare, che devi produrre certe immagini e devi cambiare, e mi dai una bella immagine, che mi fa comprare una cosa, e forse indosso questa cosa, la uso ogni giorno. Vuoi che tu mi dica che non sei abbastanza e che io lo prenda e porti ogni giorno la tua insufficienza? Intendi, vuoi che io dica okay e viva con cosa produci tu e non vada a trovare meglio o almeno qualcuno che crede proprio in cosa fa lui e vende invece un sentimento di forza, e sicurezza, e pace, e del essere se stesso, con calma, per avere successo? Vuoi che compri da te e non dalla persona che mi vende il sentimento di essere realizzato?

The only truth you’ve told me is of your insecurity. I do not wish to adorn myself in insecurity. I don’t quite like it on my skin. I’ve not quite taken to it. If I become aware of it, I’m more likely to strip it, or simply work with it. Work with and through the insecurity. Be secure in having insecurities, because as if that makes me less of a person. Who cares. If I’m insecure then I’m insecure. But you, you won’t even tell me you’re insecure. You’re insecure of being insecure. You can’t even love being insecure. The insecurity you’re selling is more fundamental. And like I said, I might have enough of my own. I don’t feel a need to go purchase insecurity. And I’m not upset with you, ma questa è l’importanza. Non mi interessa girare con il sentimento di insufficienza, insicurezza, del accontentarti perché non hai i soldi per fare veramente cosa fanno i “professionisti” e se produci senza un certo tipo d’aumento non sarai abbastanza, nessuno ti confiderà, non sai come comunicare il tuo valore senza l’AI, e alla fine cosa fai da solo non è abbastanza. Il sentimento che chi sei non è abbastanza. Non puoi essere naturale e avere successo.

E il fatto che finisca di dirmi che l’uso d’AI ha a che fare con le competenze. “Con le competenze per guidarlo” mi dice di nuovo d’insicurezza. Devi avere le competenze? Devi essere diverso dagli altri? Meglio? Superiore? Questo è una prova delle tue competenze?

You have to be Intelligent and you have to be Good. Devi essere Intelligente e Devi essere Bravo.

Devi essere intelligente, no?

Perché cosa sei senza la tua intelligenza.

Credi che non capisca l’importanza. Saresti tu a non capire la psicologia.

Non capire la mente umana.

Life is not work. Life is play.

“Scrivi ogni giorno tre obiettivi e poi lavora per soddisfare questi tre obiettivi.”

No. Don’t set goals. Just live and see what happens and see what you like to do. You might be setting goals for someone who isn’t you. Learn you before you can set your goals.

It’s feeling like a Daft Punk kinda summer

I wanna hear some Daft Punk laying on a beach between the mountains or sitting by the lakeside

21 February 2026

Kiss kiss 😚 ! I love you!

The Valentino collection is Beastly. That’s why I like it.

Ma parliamo un attimo su Dario Vitale, eh? Perché ciò che ha fatto è brillante.

Strikethrough: Occasionally used to edit typos

*[—]: Indicates text or characters added in publishing for this newsletter; often used to clarify timestamps

I am currently experimenting with new formatting and sharing in a way aligned with myself and new life. This post, intentionally delayed, is the first in which I’m experimenting.

10 February 2026

“You think I chose this life?

We are all born to certain roles. Our destiny is set.”

It is your destiny that is not set. It is your destiny to choose. Your destiny is to make choices. And you chose to stay where you were put.

The only thing about destiny that is set is that it is not set. It is your destiny to choose. It is your destiny to always move.

If I’m not well you won’t hear from me. Ma quando sto bene lo saprai.

In quel momento preciso lo saprai

It’s your destiny to always move.

Your job is to never stop making choices Your job is to never stay in place.

It’s not that I think your life is worth more than mine and that my life isn’t worth the sacrifice, it’s that both our lives are immeasurable and I don’t know what we’d be sacrificing Don’t do that shit. Ever. Save your life. I want it. I want it saved. Do not sacrifice your life [for me]. That’s not what I want. I want it saved. Live your life.

I love you and opportunities to show you love

I don’t write to you but I write your name every day.

You’re on every to-do list in every journal

11 February 2026

I have no desire to be anyone’s saviour.

To be a saviour is to be hated

12 February 2026

“Walk with confidence. This world is yours.”

I tell him the truth only in Italian

I don’t tell the truth in English [alt I don’t tell him in English]

Non posso

Because I tell you the truth it seems I’m not allowed to go forward without being honest
And maybe that’s why I don’t talk to you
Because I’m not done deluding myself
I’m not ready to let go
I’m not ready to let go of the lies I’ve been telling
I’m not ready to let go of the life I’ve been living I’m not ready to let go so I don’t talk to you
because I’m not ready to let go
And I can’t help but be honest
When I’m with you

Ricordo che ho detto che sono la versione migliore di me stessa con te

You see this smile?
You see how quickly Italian brought me back?
I’m happy me with Italian
When I’m well I speak Italian
You’ll know I’m well when I’m speaking Italian
If I’ve fallen away from Italian I’ve fallen from the happy self
You see how I indulged so very briefly and happy me came back?
Truer me came back?
Relaxing me came back?
I didn’t even have an opportunity
I didn’t even have an opportunity to fight it back or hold onto the working self
the working self [the pushing self]
I didn’t even try it
All I did was speak Italian and be Italian and live Italian live the living me Italian live the me that lives Italian and all of a sudden there was a weight off my back and I didn’t want to push anymore. I gave up.
All of a sudden I’m relaxed again
I’m not trying to be happy
I’m that again
I’m back
I live in Italian[, I tell you]

I live in Italian, I live in Italian, I live in Italian. No Italian, no me.

It’s your favourite love story. I don’t exist without Italian. That, before— that wasn’t me. I don’t exist without Italian. Now we’re back.

Non voglio tornare alla versione da before

And now I’m making it a priority to hold onto this self. I want to survive.

13 February 2026

Whenever I start to talk about my feelings I seem to… I instinctively switch to Italian. I guess I kind of hide that way even though it’s your native language so I guess I’m not hiding from you. Maybe I’m hiding from myself.

Gli italiani mi ispirano

“Venti minuti a fare una cosa, anche male, è molto meglio di venti minuti a pensare a fare quella cosa.”

14 February 2026, afternoon

*[12:58]

[Laughs]

And why do I cover my eyes when I laugh I don’t know

Maybe it’s not to hide the smile but to hide
the sense of witness

1:11

Lift you Up plays

Parked in the same driveway drove through the same traffic lights I can see the green light

Whenever someone is grieving [lamenting someone dying and how the world is still going] I want to tell them
The world doesn’t change when someone dies
Because death is a constant
The world is already prepared for death
Death is a natural part of life

1:13

I almost died and came back to the same life
The world is still turning
And no one would’ve known for a while
And if they had, the same light by my house would’ve turned green at the same time
The world keeps turning
The world is already prepared for death [The world is already prepared for your death]

What will they do? They’ll keep on living

1:15

Moonlight Léon is playing

They’ll keep on living the same life they were living

As they should, they’ll keep on living and lights will keep blinking 16 they’ll keep turning green factories will keep running doughnuts will keep frying coffee will keep brewing trailers will keep coming lights will keep turning green they’ll keep on going lights will keep turning green they’ll keep on going no one’s driving lights will keep turning around the road is [Circles Léon begins to play] empty no one’s driving lights will keep turning on welcome to Victory Boulevard keep turning around no one’s driving lights will keep turning on no one is driving lights will keep turning around 1:20 [Wildest Dreams is playing] the road is empty and the lights keep on turning around on a timer no one is driving there is no life around and the lights keep on turning around the lights are green then they’re red the lights keep on turning around 1:22 no one’s alive and they’re waiting for next life the lights keep on turning around

1:23

The world doesn’t stop when someone dies

I feel like I should have changed somehow

1:28

The only thing that happens when I almost die is I make updates to my emergency contact

I make updates on who is to be notified
I have more names for my primary contact of who is to be notified
More names of people in my life
So I guess that’s something
Signs of a well lived life
The list keeps growing

Tell them I’m not fine but I’ll be fine and we’ll be fine

[Wishful Thinking Léon plays]

1:34

Fade Into A Dream has just started, plays

God, I don’t give a *[…]. I wanna have fun

1:42

All that changed was I updated the list of who should be notified should anything happen to me Circles [Léon] plays as I’m uploading an Instagram story

This is the first time I’ve cried about it

1:58

You know what I noticed

I didn’t stop
Once I got myself out of that situation I didn’t stop
Didn’t pull over to breathe

I drove straight to my destination

The lights keep turning green

2:12 The Beach Léon

Everything will be alright

All shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well

*[2:42]

Telling you I’m fine while I’m crying

It’s really important to me to take care of your experience
Cultivate your experience
I’m a curator

2:43

Thank God I told you

Otherwise I don’t think I’d cry
I don’t think I would’ve cried
And I needed to cry
I needed to get that out

I don’t process feelings by myself
I don’t always process feelings by myself

2:58

You know what I noticed I didn’t stop drove straight to my destination

I didn’t stop

The world keeps turning

You make it keep turning

I didn’t stop
Drove straight to my destination Nothing’s changed

59

It keeps turning you’re turning You’re the world turning It’s turning you’re turning It turns like you’re turning. You’re the world.

You didn’t stop.

4:21

The world keeps turning. You keep on turning.

It’s you.

Stop.

*[5:46]

The beach a beautiful song for end credits

A beautiful song to die

There wasn’t even any music playing

Dying in silence
Alone
In the middle of the night

5:47 “If a tree falls…” [Laughs]

*[5:48]

It happened so fast

I think I had to tell you I might not’ve believed it was real otherwise

[Laughing] If a tree falls [silent laughing]

This *[…] ain’t funny

5:49

Dying alone in the middle of the night

On the way home from work

I saved my life in the middle of the night

5:50

I saved my life in the middle of the night that night

[Laughing] And then I went and got a doughnut [laughing] because I *[…] deserved it

5:51

I deserve it all

5:52-53

I love the birds on my windowsill *[…] making noises I love my friends my little friends

Because I *[…] deserved it

I got two doughnuts in fact Did I? I got two doughnuts and a coffee

5:54

After 6 pm

All shall be well and all manner of things shall be well.

Are you religious?

No. I just like commands.

I just like commands and things who command life.

7:33

Anyway like I said it’s never that serious

“If you think it’s not that deep you’re not thinking critically”

*[7:38]

Processing a death that never happened

Increasingly autocorrect has been slowing me down

Just noticed the date on my clock is January 2

You know what’s crazy

When I woke up on Friday having returned home safe and gone to sleep, I noticed my clock had reset. It said January 1. 1 1. My clock had reset. Start all over again. And I noticed but didn’t notice. I just thought oh what’s wrong with this thing why did it do that.

My clock had reset.

8:04-06

*[10:19]

Do you like reggaeton?

Do I like reggaeton? I’m Jamaican.

So that’s a yes?

[Laughs]

I hope this little letter finds you well.

This is the start of something I will carry on monthly, every last Sunday of the month. It’s a bit of a round-up, a kind of expo, including thoughts, sounds, images, and things I find beautiful, or whatever else.

While many parts of this collection may change, at least one part should stay consistent: a 10-minute exposition. I have gathered hundreds of notes on my phone, many that I do not return to or translate into larger pieces, so I’ve decided, once a month, right in Substack, I will pull a note, and expound on it for ten minutes. That exposition will then be shared and open the round-up. This not only allows me to write something native to Substack (instead of on another domain and then transfer it to Substack), but it serves as a periodic writing exercise for me. I should learn to open and close my ideas in a relatively short period of time.

That’s all. I think the rest of the round-up explains itself. Just bits of life, things I’ve witnessed, maybe found beautiful, I don’t know. Anything really.

I write to you from December 28, early afternoon, around 2:43 pm here in New York. If you are preparing for some kind of New Year’s celebrations, I wish you the best of festivities. Stay safe, and I’ll talk to you again in the New Year.

First, a thought, expounded upon

December 3, 2025 around 8:32 pm

Asking for help when you don’t need it as a means of human connection

December 28, 2025 15:10:46

This is one of my favourite things to do. I actually don’t know if that’s true, but it’s one of my favourite ways to learn, or to get things done. I like asking for help. I like using it as a means for connecting to someone, anyone, and connecting to Earth. Connecting to this experience of sharing life on Earth.

I don’t know what prompted this specific thought in this instance, but at least a few things come to mind, and I imagine, generally, I would’ve been thinking about asking someone something you could’ve gone to Google to find out. I do this often and it happens to me as well. Someone asks me something they surely could’ve independently researched, and I ask someone something else. The funny part about it is it’s easy to feel a bit of annoyance when you’re not the one asking. It’s easy to go, “why are you asking me”, “I don’t know, look it up”, or “how should I know the answer to that”, but then you remember, on other instances, you do the same thing. That’s actually what may’ve happened when I recorded this. I may’ve caught my own annoyance, reminded myself of the reason, and documented it for reflection, because I know I do this as well.

There’s something I’d really like to learn about and I’m thinking I’ll go to a bar to do it. I’m actually quite excited. It’ll be fun. I could learn about much of what makes me curious using the average search engine, but going to ask someone, a bartender, is half the fun. I want to learn from someone. I want to interact with someone. Interact with the world more. I could do all the reading, and you could ask me questions, and I’d answer perfectly, but that won’t be enough. I want more.

To learn from another person is really a most beautiful thing and I enjoy it so much. And I’ll have to remember how much I enjoy it, when I’m asked a question and my patience has run out. Because we’re all quite the same. I respect that desire to connect to someone.

15:20:05

Music

My Spotify Wrapped from December 4.

What’s playing right now as I write and compile this

Beauty

I can’t remember why I downloaded these or what I was making but there is this series of photos in my camera roll saved from Pinterest. I imagine it had something to do with beauty because that’s what I think when I see these images. Beauty.

I really don’t know what these were for, but I had some intention to compile them in some way, so at least, now I’ve done that.

These were downloaded between 9:18 and 9:36 pm, December 10.

Reading

While at work, I was given a book to use as a prop, so naturally I started reading it. This book is amazing. I only got as far as page 58, if I remember correctly, but the writing is amazing. Any trope I thought I was identifying was quickly subverted. It’s one of the sharpest things I’ve ever read and I was proud to be reading it almost? If that makes any sense? I just— I don’t know, she never ceased to amaze me. The author, Bolu Babalola, never ceased to amaze me. She impressed me every other sentence, if not every sentence. She just kept on impressing me. Had they left me undisturbed, I would’ve finishd that book that day, and happily started rereading it. I’ll have to look for it soon, make sure I get my own copy.

It seems, I was actually on page 56. Can’t wait to keep reading.

Eats

Oh, I love Earth. My favourite thing to eat is Earth. I took pictures of a few eats this month and overwhelmingly the theme is Earth. Things that grow underground, things that grow in a bush, bark, roots, herbs, minerals, all of the Earth. I love it all, it’s all so good. Anyway, some favourite eats this month, featuring many a lentil.

I hope you enjoyed my little foray into food photography. There are many more photos of the cookies, if you can imagine it.

Life

And now, just because, some parts of this month.

I’ll have to figure out a way to order things and get more clear on what I’ll share on this platform, but for now, this is all. Just a bit of December.

It’s evening now, just after 7. In the end, you stayed with me throughout the day, through dance breaks and dinner and all. I hope your Sunday has been renewing, as mine has been.

See you next month.

7:04 pm

Currently playing: Holy Ghost – Omah Lay

Every time I write social critiques, I feel sick.

I’m told I’m good at it. I should keep it. Do it again. Share it. Publish it. But every time I write social critique, I feel sick.

I don’t know if critique is the solution to every thing. I don’t know if critique is the solution to anything. I don’t know if critique is really needed and I think that’s why, every time, I feel sick. I don’t know if all of me believes in it.

I just started a question about the commenting on certain bodies. Call it a critique if you must. I started a “critique” on bodies. On comments on bodies. I started a critique on the power given to a body. I stopped short of critique. I didn’t finish it. I stopped short as I started feeling sick.

I’m reading critiques on certain bodies and comments on critiques on certain bodies and how necessary they are. We need critique. It’s how we move forward. We don’t learn without critique. This critique is essential. We need the awareness.

I don’t think my body is buying it.

I probably would’ve wanted to agree, but I don’t think my body is buying it and it’s rejecting critique. It’s not completely buying we need this critique. And I’m in agreement with it; in fact, I was critiquing the critique, but then it said stop; no, you— stop. This is still a critique. We don’t need your critique. I don’t think it’s buying we need the critique any less than we need the critique of critique. I think it’s rejecting all critique.

My critique of critique was going to argue I have never been saved by critique. My life has never been saved by critique. Only endangered. My life has only ever been saved and inspired by more life. I live for more life and am inspired by life. I am driven by life and more life. Never critique. Critique might make me think, but I am driven by life. And come to think of it, I think most people are saved by life.

I’m trying to understand if my body is simply afraid of being a “know-it-all”, one who “knows too much”, who “talks too much”, who has “too much to say”, who loves to “argue” “too much”, who has too much to say… I’m trying to understand if the critique of the critique of critique is valid or if it’s simply a fear. But I’m willing to entertain myself. Let’s entertain my instincts. Why is critiquing critique so sickening. Why is any critique so nausea-inducing.

We need this awareness, she said. It’s essential we have these discussions in order to deconstruct our own narratives, she said. Why did that stop me? What made it click? Why did my body say No, and why did that make me go, see, we don’t need your critique, and critique of critique is no different. Let’s have this discussion. Let’s look at our narratives. Something about that sentence, my disagreement with that sentence, made me tell myself, and that’s why we don’t need your critique either, the reasons you disagree with her exist for you as well. Let’s look at the narratives and subjectives.

Adjectives (essential): 1
Imperative suggestions (need): 1
Implied necessity and connection (in order to): 1

Low count, but still strong. The meanings are strong.

Need and essential, we ignore, because they’re building up to the real point, in order to. The only of these that truly matters is in order to. Anything’s a need and anything is essential. The point is what it’s for. We need it for what, it’s essential for what, in order to do what. What is it for? It’s to deconstruct our own narratives (and save lives, as indicated in the greater paragraph). This, I think, is the crux of my discomfort. I’m yet to buy the connection between the means and the goal. I do it myself, critique, if only out of habit, it’s a human thing, but even in my own critique, I’ve not yet bought the supposed connection between the means and the goal. I see no proof of the end to your means.

I think this sentence is the sentence that made me go that’s not how we deconstruct narratives, that’s not how we learn, that’s not what inspires us, which made me understand for the first time why even my own words can make me feel ill. I finally articulated that’s not how we learn.

I’d like to think I know this; I don’t use “critique” to help students learn, I don’t respond to “critique” when someone’s “helping me” “learn”, and judgement of good or bad has never really helped anyone learn. It’s helped them learn as far as training (conditioning, developing culture), but it’s never helped them learn. Not truly, in the greater sense of learn. And they said it themselves: their life was saved by representation, by seeing more of themselves, by seeing life and the living of life. That was ultimately how they learned. Life is inspired by more life. Living is life. Learning is life. This is how we learn.

I don’t know what’s my point. But I think the point is.

• My life has only ever been saved, inspired, or propelled by more life. It has only been saved by the witness of life. By representation of self and want, not critique of don’t want. That has never helped me live. Made me think, not live. Different things.

• I don’t like critique because a part of me agrees. I am talking too much. Why am I talking about anything. You talk and you talk. Why are you talking. There are things to be doing. You talk and you live and you do and you live. You talk and you talk, I guess to document things, but what if there was just more do and more live. What would happen then. You sit in lessons with your students and you hand them a marker, you hand them a pen and you give them the board and you let them do things because you already know simply talking won’t do anything so you do and they watch, and you talk while you do, but ultimately you both do the thing and that’s how they learn. That’s how you help them learn. You say you want to help, but when have you ever helped by critiquing someone, what has that ever done. That’s never how you’ve helped a student and that’s never how you’ve helped yourself or anyone. That may be the beginning, but never the end. The critique is for you and you know it is and that’s why it’s making you sick. It’s inherently dishonest and you can’t sit with it. Once you pass the point of awareness and understanding, the critique is for you. You’re emotionally processing, you’re cognitively processing, you’re documenting thoughts. You are processing and documenting thought. That is for you. The awareness is there. It is already done. When you continue, the critique for you. You want to be strict in your awareness. It is for you.

• An exception to a “rule” is a disproof. If there is a supposedly universal rule, any exception to this rule, or rather, claim, is a disproof. If one thing is supposed to be the only example of “good”, and you find other examples that do not look like that thing, you have your disproof; that is, in fact, not the only example of “good”. Thus, representation is powerful. Disproof after disproof. The living of life provides disproof after disproof after disproof. Thus, representation saves lives. It saves lives because it provides disproof to universal claims, to ruling claims, to dominant claims, and it deconstructs our narratives. We deconstruct with life. Critique is the theory, but proof is in life. The living of life and witness of life is the practice and the proof of disproof. Critique deconstructs, but life deconstructs. The living of life is how we deconstruct. Life is the proof. Life is essential.

• Be the change you wish to see in the world, so they say? Lead by example, so they say? The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, so they say? I think too much of me knows we observe behaviour more than we do words, we learn from observation and behaviour at least as much as we do words, and no matter how I love my words, I can’t ignore that knowledge. At least, if not knowledge, I can’t ignore the belief. I like my words, I like using words, and I’ve always known the power of words, but I know the power of behaviour. I know what observation does. Using words is what I want and I still know what observation does. I know what critique beyond critiquing does. I know what critique beyond awareness does. And I can’t deny that I know that. No matter how much I want to use words, I can’t deny that I know that, and my words make me feel ill.

• Whenever I really start critiquing, I know something is wrong. I know something is off, and I’m dealing with something else, because long, extended critique is for the self, so it becomes a matter of what need am I serving for self and why does that need exist at all. Whenever I’m deep in critique, I know it’s for the self. And I can’t even bring myself to deny this knowledge when it comes to critique of critique. To a point, it’s all for the self.

• I don’t know what I learned, if I stopped the critique, if this isn’t somehow still a critique, though I’d say it’s more analysis, but I feel better now, (sorry, I suppose I still served the self,) and I think I’m going to enjoy life. By that, I mean, I think I’m going to go on enjoying the life and less critique, learning from life as opposed to learning from critique, whenever possible. Because I’m not sure the critique helps me anyhow.

This is kind of an aside, but I’m reminded of the idea “people don’t change”, which I haven’t agreed with, but added caveat to. As I put it, “I don’t know if cognition is sufficient to overwrite emotional memories” August 10, 2025, circa 3:22 am. People don’t change by way of cognition. By way of intellectualisation. Most learning is emotional. There is other sensation beyond pure cognition. That’s what makes us learn. It’s the attachment to how we learned. It’s why behaviours learned from traumatic experiences are so held onto. It’s why people have difficulty unlearning responses to emotional events, events through childhood, events in meaningful relationships, events that could’ve scarred them, events that made them feel something. That’s how we learn. We learn and we learn. That’s how we learn. We learn when there’s something to it. More than cognition.

I’m not convinced cognition is enough to overwrite emotional memories and emotional memories are how most of our behaviours are learned. A sense of wrong and right, a feeling of validation, a look of approval, a hint of I belong somewhere; they hate me here. That’s how we learn. Cognition is useful, but not all of how we learn.

A person can change, but cognition may not be enough to overwrite these memories, the memories that made them first learn. Memories overwrite memories. Emotional memories overwrite emotional memories. They make us change. They make us learn. Simply telling someone what to do won’t make them learn. If you’ve been a student in a school, you know being told is not how we learn.

They could go to a therapist, talk to someone for years who offers new ways of thinking, different modes of cognition, and they may even change behaviour because of what they’ve been told, but they’ll change behaviour against their nature. There’s an inkling to respond one way, they catch it, they stop it, they remember what they were told, what they’ve worked on, and they follow what they were told. The initial inkling is still there. Cognition only changes behaviour. But I’m not sure it motivates change, changes of nature. I think emotional memories do those.

The conversations can go on all they want, but until there is a new feeling experience, a significant feeling experience, the nature goes on.

We live for life and feeling and more life.

If I were to play your game, use your constructions and play your game, if anything, I would think 'angels' would be 'jealous' you found something so ordinary [as opposed to something so "out of the ordinary" — what issue do you take with ordinary?]. The 'ordinary' is stunning. Literally, it is meant to stun you. I say stunning not to say beautiful. Beautiful or not. It should stun you. You should be in awe. Silent. Unable to find words. Are you not in awe? It is stunning. It is all stunning. The ordinary is stunning. Do you know how to see yourself? Do you know how to see beauty? Do you know what is beauty? Do you know what makes beauty? Define for me beauty. I'd like to know what you believe is the meaning. I'm curious what you call beauty [I'm not so fixed on my own meaning, so I'd like to know yours]. What is beauty. Tell me beauty.


It's ordinarily exceptional. Stunning. Exceptionally ordinary. An absolute non-contradiction and simultaneous paradox. Stunning.


Do you not collapse at ordinary? Do you not collapse in the presence of ordinary? Beautiful.


The fact ordinary could even exist is awe-inspiring. The fact there is ordinary should be incomprehensible, near incomprehensible. Can you imagine? To have an exception, then to have it again, and to have it again and again and again. To have an abundance of exceptions; to be presented with an abundance of 'new', of ‘shouldn't exist’. To be flooded with exceptions to the point you could find them ordinary. Stunning. You have been absolutely flooded with 'brand new', with 'this didn't use to exist', with 'this isn't "supposed to" be here' so much so that you find it 'ordinary'.

There is an overflow of exceptions. Everything was once new. Every thing didn't use to exist. [Every thing was not once what it is.]. The fact that anything could be ordinary is extraordinary. It's a paradox. The extraordinary is happening so many times, over and over and over again, that you think it is ordinary. You have been flooded with the extraordinary so much that you think it could be ordinary. Things that "shouldn't be" happening keep on happening again and again and again. Flooded. The fact that ordinary should exist is extraordinary. It doesn't make sense. We only have ordinary because the extraordinary is extraordinary in being ordinary. The extraordinary continues to be extraordinary in being ordinary. Absolutely stunning. Don't you get it? Are you not confused? Are you not having difficulty with words? Are you not still? Are you not stunned? You should be in awe. Ordinary? Imagine. If anything, they should be 'jealous' you've found ordinary. You should be so lucky to have anything ordinary. [In what world do you have ordinary? Where did you get that from? Where the hell did you get that from? How have you managed to find 'ordinary'?]. Do you know how to see beauty? Do you know how to see yourself?


They call me quiet.
I'm just stunned. Witnessing.


It's all beautiful. That's all I see. I'm in awe.

Your problem is you think he intends to deprive you. Your problem is you think you are intended to be deprived. If I play your game, if I’m playing with your concepts. I don’t need to share your beliefs, but you tell me who he is supposed to be and I take your definitions and I play by your game. I play by your rules.

I play by your rules and I’m confused why you think he intends to deprive you.

The good, the amazing, the incredible should only be “out of the ordinary” if not good, not amazing, not incredible is meant to be ordinary. It’s what you should expect. You think he intends to deprive you and I’m not sure why. If I play by your rules, I’m not sure why. By your definitions, the intention shouldn’t be to deprive. By how you define him, good is the ordinary. The ordinary is good.

That said, if the standard is not good, not amazing, not incredible, based on your expectations, following the use of “out of the ordinary”, and his intention is not to deprive [presumably], it should be expected that he consistently presents you with “out of the ordinary”. It should be expected that he consistently presents exceptions to not good, to the standard of not incredible, if his intention is not to deprive. From the definitions you give me of him. If I play your game. It should be ordinary to find the “out of the ordinary”. There is nothing out of the ordinary about it. It is so absolutely regular. Or rather, it should be.

Either way, if I take up your fundamental beliefs, all I should expect to find is the amazing. The extraordinary and the absolutely ordinary. In essence, neither the “ordinary” nor the “extraordinary” truly exist. So, what do you see?


Neither exists because they both do endlessly. Without bounds. They violate each others’ space. They occupy spaces they should not occupy. These are not concepts that should occupy the same space and yet they do. They perpetually cease to exist because they both insist on being present in the same moment at the same time for the same occurrences. They absolutely violate each other. They war and they violate and sustain and create. They build each other and it is absolutely amazing.

Very ordinary, no?


You have been left the choice. Given the ultimate freedom of seeing what you want to see. The gift of paradox is it is up to you to figure it out. It is up to you to see. It is up to you to focus. The gift of paradox is choice. The gift of paradox is nonsense. And in nonsense, you have the freedom to play. The freedom to exercise your will and your capacity to reason and make sense. The freedom to play intellectually and find what you’ll see. [Give them room to play, to stimulate, to create. So loving. So intimate. — Near midnight 28 jun 2024.]. I wonder what you call love. Anyway, you have been given room to play. Intellectually. Play. You have been given choice. So what will you see?

If ever you have trouble believing in magic, remember that ordinary exists. That is your proof. This is proof of the impossible.

Do you know what it takes to be able to find something ordinary? Do you know what it takes to have ordinary? You should be in shock at every moment. And the fact you are not should be shock-inducing. And the fact you sit here still not in shock is the only evidence you’ll ever need of magic.

I’m kind of bored of studying. I’ve been doing it for quite some time now. I’m feeling partial to living. You have been living, soprattutto nell’ultimo anno, dai. If living is studying, then I’m growing partial to the living way of studying as opposed to the study way of living.

Studying is easy. It’s instinct. It’s what I do. It’s what I know.

I think I might wanna try that other thing.

[Circa --:--–16:08 14 mar 2025.]

Ciao belli ;). Come state?

I’ve been on an unnamed break from effortful thoughts and mental analysis. While I’m not still making an effort to think fewer thoughts, my schedule here will definitely be changing in the sense there is no schedule, not anymore. I’d like to see what happens just creating— just creating and sharing an occasional thought [with joy]. I’d like to see happens when I’m at ease— when I’m just living and living in joy. That’s the new “schedule”.

— Me

You have everything you need to succeed. You have everything you need. You have everything you need to succeed. I have to tell you again because I realised. I realised something. This is all-encompassing. You have everything you need to succeed. Let me tell you why.

You have everything you need to succeed, but sometimes there is fear. I will explain. You do not want to think you're deficient. This is challenging. This is a threat to your survival. It doesn't work. It doesn't work for your system. You do not want to think you are deficient and incapable of success. This produces a fear. Success — acquisition of desires, fulfillment of wants and needs [are your wants your needs? arguably.], resolution of your pursuits, assurance of your pursuits, fulfillment of your pursuits. You do not want to think you are fundamentally incapable of success, deficient in reasoning for success. You do not ask for help. You do not accept. You do not welcome. You do not receive. You do not ask for help. You do not want to think you are deficient and in need of help, so you do not ask for help. If you ask for help, you need help to succeed, if they help you succeed, if it's help that you need, you did not begin with having what you need to succeed. You were deficient and they offered help, they helped you get what you need to succeed. You did not have what you need. This is not true. I'm describing your fear. This is not true. There is reason. This is not true. You ask for help because you have what you need to succeed.

To ask for help is to have what you need to succeed. I want you to play a game. I want you to begin. It's a game of survival. I will illustrate something to you and we will reason with your system. Find a device that runs Minecraft. It doesn't matter. Any one will do. If you can not find one, find someone who could. Find someone who will do what I describe in the following and watch the screen. I want you to open and choose 'Singleplayer'. Create a new world. Ignore configurations and go forward and make a new world. Do not move. Do not touch anything. I want you to look at the bottom of the screen and look in your inventory. The bar with boxes across the screen, this is your inventory. Tell me what you see. In a new world, this bar is empty. Upon your conception, you have nothing. You have everything you need to beat the game. Your inventory is empty, there is nothing in your possession, you've not moved, you've touched nothing. You have everything you need to beat the game. Because you are in a new world. Because you are in a world. Because of the world around you. It is so designed. You have everything you need to beat the game. You have everything you need to succeed. You have nothing and everything you need to succeed.

You are not accepting help because of a difficulty reasoning. I want to help you reason and this help, this receipt of help is proof of having everything you need to succeed. The fact you can interact with the world around you and take and receive means you have what you need. Remove the word help. You may have biases against it. I need [item]. [Item] will allow me to succeed. Perhaps I could succeed without it, but there is difficulty, there is estimation. With [item], I know absolutely I can succeed. I take myself, I move myself [mentally or physically] and I pursue [item]. I look for it, I find it, I accept it, I take it into my inventory, and I now have [item] and I succeed. It is I who finds this thing, this item, it is I who seeks it out, it is I who retrieves what I need. If I do not seek and it is offered to me, if someone finds me, it is I who must accept. Me. I must. I am responsible for the ultimate entry of what I need into my inventory. It is I who accepts [item] when I find it is what I need. If I ultimately accept, it is I with the ability to accept. I have the ability required to obtain what I need to succeed. If I need more than one item, I need [item_2] and [item_2] needs [item_1], it is I with the ability to accept [item_1] as I find it or it is offered and possession of [item_1] allows acquisition of [item_2] and this is what I need to succeed. It does not matter how many items there are. It does not matter I do not have any or most of them. I start with one, I accept, and I continue because I have what I need to succeed. I have the ability required to obtain what I need to obtain what I need to succeed. Replace [item_1] with help. Replace [item] with help.

An optimally reasoning system does not mean one that does not need help. Accepting help does not indicate deficiency. Not knowing everything you need does not indicate deficiency. Requiring assistance does not indicate deficiency. It does not matter how much assistance you require, how much support you need, how many times you search for help. Accepting help does not indicate deficiency. This fear is a reasoning difficulty. And that's okay. You may need help with reasoning in one domain or another. And this does not indicate deficiency. There is no threat to your sense of self.

These fears are often the result of trained behaviours, trained beliefs. There is disjointed reasoning in these beliefs. You may have been made to feel deficient when needing help, you may have been punished for needing help. The fact this fear exists, in itself, is also not an indicator of deficiency. None of it is. It is a consequence of a series of actions, a series of behaviours. It is a natural consequence. Now that the consequences exist, help, however "minor" or "major", may be required to move forward. This is okay.

You refuse advice because you want to believe you have everything you need to succeed [even if you fear you don't]. You refuse help because you want to believe you have everything you need to succeed. You refuse guidance because you want to believe you are not deficient, not fundamentally lacking tools for survival, and you have everything you need to succeed. Your acceptance of help is an exercise of your full ability, your full capacity, in your existence. It is an expression of reasoning ability to reason and configure all the tools in front of you, everything available to you, to get what you need. To accept is to have the ability to accept, the ability to have what you need to succeed. So, you have what you need. There is nothing "wrong". You can start with nothing. You can start with needing. You can start with needing things. With needing help. And you build. Start with nothing, start with [item_1], and you build. You have to build. This is fluid reasoning. You have what you need to succeed.

Accept help.



— Abeinghasnoname

[This post was initially published on another site. Written the night of November 8th, 2024.]

What really made me lose hope...

What really made me lose hope was when...

What really made me lose hope was when I saw this person...

I'm not sure I understand.

In fact I'm sure I don't. This is in some sense a difficulty on my part, a cognitive empathy difficulty on my part, so I'm pushing myself to understand, but I'm not sure I understand. What made you lose hope? Why?

I'm not sure I understand the system that requires you to lose hope. Requires or suggests. It's a certain system if you lose hope. A logical system. A system of reasoning. A system of if this then this, witness this then this, see this lose hope. I don't understand the system. Lose hope?

I can understand. As in, I can exit myself, sit in your world, think your thoughts, and understand. This is cognitive empathy. I can understand. I understand how you lost hope. But I leave your system, I sit in mine and I sit in mine and observe yours, and I'm not sure I understand how witness of action reduces hope. Necessitates it, even.

There is always someone "smarter" than you, so they say. I believe what I would say is there is most always someone demonstrating a reasoning ability you are not in one domain or another. You have strengths superseding others'. Others have strengths superseding yours. If witness of difficulty in someone else necessitates loss of hope, you are the present or potential source of hope lost in at least one domain or another. If there is most always someone demonstrating a reasoning ability in at least one domain that you are not, for everyone, there is always hope to be lost. Now and perpetually. This seems a sinking system. A very rapidly sinking system. I'm not sure I understand.

Demonstration of ability provides me with material to study. Something to understand. Everything has a reason. Why are they demonstrating ability at this level? Why is there difficulty? What do they understand? What do they want?

The fact I am studying means there are solutions. The fact I am tracing means there is something to trace. There is somewhere to go. There is movement. There is something to understand. There are inputs. There are inputs to a system producing outputs.

The fact I am studying and there are inputs to a system producing outputs means there is potential for movement. I would say forward movement, but forward is subjective and I'd like to be objective. What I'll say is for my 'forward', for my 'ideal', I always see a way. This is not true for all systems, but for human systems particularly. Not because hope. Because reason. Because I've studied the systems. I study their operations and I know what they want.

I don't know all the systems entirely or every detail of how they operate and I'm not sure I need to. I've already just told you of difficulty understanding a certain kind of system, although I can step into it temporarily. I understand but don't understand. I understand, but don't feel. It is cognitive understanding. I can map your thoughts and feelings and understand. It is in a similar way that I can study the fundamental operations of systems generally. Again, I don't know them entirely or every detail of how they operate, but I know two important things: they prioritise survival and they prioritise safety. Much else can be calculated following these.

Because I can make calculations, I can study what they want and why. I can study what they want, truly. In the same way I leave myself, enter your mind, and reason through your system for losing hope, I can reason through the systems that produce many other behaviours. They all have sense. Their own sense. Their own ever-growing sets of if-thens. I study.

Because I can make calculations and I find most all systems have the same fundamental priorities and desires, I can see easily how well they might coordinate, if equipped to do so. Through my own reasoning, I also know most always it is a difficulty with logic and reasoning that produces a collection of systems all designed to help each other who turn and hurt each other instead. So I have answers. How do I help them reason? How do I get them what they truly want, most fundamentally, and aid pursuits of survival, self-preservation, safety, and joy. Through reason.

Take, for example, a system that is threatened by education. Not education, but "education". It is threatened by "education". We will leave education to be the word, the basic word. "Education" will be whatever this system believes to be education, whatever it correlates true education with. Education and "education". Take, for example, a system that is threatened by "education". To start, I want this system fundamentally well. This is important. My thinking is guided by I want you well. How do I get you what you need? How do I make you happy and truly okay?

Now, I take this system that is threatened by "education". Why. Well, I know at least a few things. This system will prioritise survival and safety. It will prioritise pursuits for joy. It thinks of this almost always. So, if it is threatened by "education", the system has deemed "education" a threat to pursuits of survival, safety, self-preservation, and joy. Why. Why would education or "education" be a threat to survival, safety, self-preservation, or joy. Well, let's see. Let's sit with this for a minute and go one at a time. Survival. What threatens survival. Threats to its ability to function and navigate the world, not just physically or mechanically, but cognitively as well. What threatens survival. Another entity bringing it harm. There might be more, but this comes to mind first. I think this is enough. If I believe this encompasses most of what threatens survival, and "education" has been deemed a threat to survival, "education" should fall under or produce one of these. According to the system. If I follow its rules. If I exercise empathy.

I sit back in myself for a moment. Why. How. How could education or "education" reduce your ability to function or produce an entity who brings you harm? Well, I'm in myself now, I have my own thoughts and reason. I do know people and systems have the ability to reduce another's ability to function, cognitively or otherwise, through words. This may occur through abuse, manipulation, deceit, intentional reduction of hope, and many other practices. Some of them incidental. Okay, so perhaps this system is reasoning "education" will involve one of these. It's reasoning "education" will tell it something that distorts its sense of reality specifically in a way that makes it unable to operate in the world. Unable to survive. It wants to survive. I know education does not necessitate this. I know education, not "education", does not necessitate this. So, good. Fantastic. I have something to come back to. I've identified a reasoning soft spot and I have my first task. Help them reason. Help them fine-tune their own system and refine their reasoning.

This reasoning is usually because education may involve emotionally upsetting information. If not processed "appropriately" [subjective], emotionally upsetting information can in fact debilitate you and diminish your ability to survive. I understand their reasoning. Their sense makes sense. It makes sense with my sense. This is good because I happen to have further information on this idea the system is working with. Yes, emotionally upsetting information can debilitate you. But, as I said, it is conditional. It is conditional on how the information is processed and moved through. It is conditional on what you do with it. So, I have identified a knowledge gap and soft spot in reasoning for this system that I can resolve. I can help you. You can experience emotional upset and still go on. It does not necessitate a threat to your survival. I do not want to threaten your survival. You also may or may not experience an emotional upset. It is not absolute or necessary that you do. But you will learn something and it will make it easier to navigate the world. Let me show you how.... We go back.

What threatens survival. Another entity bringing it harm. "Education" has been deemed a producer of an arbitrary entity who will bring it harm, physically or otherwise. I know this is not true of education. It might be true of "education" or some other system's "education", but I know this is not true of education. What I do know is education educates. What I also know is there will exist a single system or many who have both experienced education and brought another harm. This is correlation, not causation. The strength of the correlation is also questionable. Ah, good. I have found another reasoning difficulty. A soft spot. This is good. Reason is easy. I can teach reason. I don't need to talk about education. Just reason, correlation, and causation. Let me help you reason. I want you to have what you want. I want your survival, your safety, and your wellness. I want you to refine your reasoning to get what you want. I want you to have it for your own sake. You are safe. There is no threat. I want you safe. It matters to me that you are safe and you are allowed to exercise your full ability to reason. I want you living to your greatest. Let me help. I will help you reason. This is good. I like this. I can reason. I can help.

Reason takes a few hours here because I am typing. I am using additional tools and efforts, slowing my mind, organising into "English" to document reason and share it with you. It typically takes seconds or minutes. At most, chunks of minutes (3-5) spread across a few days. Reason can be simple. It can be quick. When many are equipped to reason, those with difficulty can be supported by others who reason. Reason supports Reason. It is easy. The reasoning system finds reason to support the other and it goes on.

I study a system. I study many. I find almost always, there are little gaps in reasoning, fallacious arguments, producing a collection of systems that attack when they are designed to help. They are designed for each other's benefit. Designed to help. Perfectly coordinated to do so. This makes it easy. This gives me a primary objective. If I have an objective, I see a way forward. I move. There is no impact on hope.

I'd honestly almost forgotten we started with hope. Hope exists, for me, in another realm entirely. It is logical reasoning that produces methods and paths for moving forward. I suppose I could have hope, but it's not affected positively or otherwise. Perpetual hope. At one level, or ever-expanding and reproducing in its own world, disjointed, disconnected from my movements. I don't think of hope. I move on knowledge. I move on reason. I know I can help. I know you can be helped. I know I can be helped. Hope is auxiliary. I have reason.

I think of how to restore hope and I find myself at reason. I think of how to help you learn and I find myself at reason. I think of how to have joy and I find myself at reason. I think of how to bring you joy and I find myself at reason. I think of how to coordinate systems and I find myself at reason. So, it's simple. I want you to think. Think and reason.

If I come to a door and I have a key, a key for this door, I do not have hope to open the door. I do not have hope the door will come to be open. I suppose I could, auxiliary hope, just because, but I do not have hope. I do not need it. It does not occur to me. I have what I need and I move with my key to open the door.

You have what you need to succeed. Use what you have and move forward to succeed. Build what you need. You start from have and build to need. If you can build from what you have and construct what it is you need to succeed, then from conception, You have what you need to succeed. Learn how to build. This is fluid reasoning. You must build.

Building is not manual [only]. It is cognitive. It is intellectual. Build what you need. Help build what you need.

Because the systems are already designed to help each other, they mostly need reason. They are greatly helped by fluidity and reason. They almost entirely need reason. They do not need to be told what to think. This is not reason. I have not found crystallised knowledge or intelligence to be the answer. They need reason.

They do not need to be told what to do or think if you strengthen Reason. Reason is Reason. Because it makes sense, as Reason, it self-coordinates completely. A reasoning system will not find it necessary to harm its other systems for survival. Teach the system to reason and watch what it does. Leave it alone and watch what it does.

Use examples as necessary for instruction, examples of interactions with other systems, but Reason alone is sufficient to coordinate a collection of systems. Teach them all to reason.

Systems occasionally make errors. They have lapses in reasoning. This is manageable. Instruction must include how to learn from and move on from lapses in reasoning.

I did not clearly state this before, but this way of Reason works because I want everyone well. I want every system, every individual, every person, every being to be well. This way of Reason collapses otherwise.

I do not desire the suffering of others. This includes emotional suffering. I do not have desire for the suffering of others. This is innate. I know of no other way. It has never changed. Even if it were not innate, I would end up here because of Reason. Again, just teach them Reason and watch what they do. Leave them alone.

This way of Reason works because I want everyone well. It only works because I want everyone well. If I did not, it would collapse on itself immediately. If I want even the emotional pain of another, for only a moment, it will collapse. If in a collection of systems, there is even one who desires the suffering of others, it will collapse. Do you remember the promises I made earlier? I can help you. You can experience emotional upset and still go on. It does not necessitate a threat to your survival. I do not want to threaten your survival. You also may or may not experience an emotional upset. It is not absolute or necessary that you do. But you will learn something and it will make it easier to navigate the world. Let me show you how. Here is what I said. Let me help you reason. I want you to have what you want. I want your survival, your safety, and your wellness. I want you to refine your reasoning to get what you want. I want you to have it for your own sake. You are safe. I said I want you safe. It matters to me that you are safe and you are allowed to exercise your full ability to reason. I want you living to your greatest. Let me help. There were no lies.

These are all truths and statements I could tell anyone. There are no lies. It does not matter who I say them to. There will be no lies. I want everyone well. This system works because Reason does and it is Reason that allows this all to be true with no exceptions.

If I even momentarily wanted pain for another, wanted suffering for another, I can no longer securely argue or identify their difficulty with Reason. Take education, for example. Education and "education". If I cross a system that has identified "education" as a threat because there will be a transfer of information that may cause emotional pain that they either cannot resolve or will be forced to endure indefinitely thus debilitating them cognitively and psychologically, threatening their survival, safety, self-preservation, and pursuit of joy, I cannot "help them" with their reason. There is nothing to help. They are correct. Education does not necessitate pain or suffering, emotional or otherwise. No one "has to" experience or endure emotional pain upon learning new information, regardless of what the information is. There is no reasonably or logically greater comment or reflection to necessarily be made if a system learns something that is upsetting to another and does not experience the same emotional disturbance. Their emotional upset is not required. But if I, in my reason, in my system have a series of if-thens mandating the suffering of another system, emotional or otherwise, even for a "short" period, this system should distrust me. If this occurs, then this should occur; if this doesn't occur, then ...; if system learns [_], then system should [_]; if system doesn't demonstrate [_], then system is "bad", system is "disposable", system is [_]; if system is "bad", then .... "Short" is relative. "Minor" is relative. "Appropriate" is relative. It is subjective. This system has no measure of what it is expected to endure or how to manage. It cannot trust it will be given appropriate tools to move forward after it endures. Who is it to accept tools for processing and moving on from? Me? One who admittedly is looking for its suffering, for some kind of "temporary" diminishing of its function? I might question the reasoning of this system if it trusted me. I might question if its most basic mechanisms have been tampered with.

Luckily, Reason reasons us towards wanting everyone well. So, we start there. We teach them reason and want everyone well, and Reason will reason the collection, the collective of systems, to be well. Reason is the fundamental basis for a self-sustaining ecosystem.

Anyway, I've forgotten hope. We started with hope. If hope diminishes, that's okay. Tend to hope and begin with reason. Witness of someone else's difficulty with reason is witness of someone trying to reason. They want reason. They want to think. They want thoughts. They don't want to be told. They want to think. It may be confusing because their difficulty with reason may be a result of what they were told, so you are tempted to believe this isn't a system that thinks. It does what it's told. It only repeats. It does not make sense. It does not reason. This system won't think. There is a difference between capacity and performance. The system thinks. Capacity, not performance. It reasons. If it is repeating reasoning, however disjointed, of another that means it accepted reasoning. There was a point at which this material was first received, processed, and reviewed. It received it and now it repeats. If it accepted this reasoning, however disjointed, it wanted reason. It wanted reason. It wants it, so it accepts. It has a basic desire for reason. If it accepted this "reasoning", there was a vulnerable point in its past at which it wanted reason and someone offered it their "reason", some forms of crystallised knowlegde, their own beliefs, and trained it. A desire for reason was pre-existing, so when offered, the system accepts and it runs. It wanted reason and it has been trained to repeat "reason".

Witness of someone else's difficulty with reason is witness of a system that wants reason, fundamentally. Help it reason. Not individually, but collectively. Do not tell it what to think. Tell the truth about subjectivity. If you are operating with Reason, honour of subjectivity will not threaten a pursuit to ensure the safety of every person, every system that lives. If you are interacting with disjointed reason, you are likely interacting with a system that is consistently prepared for threats. It will not respond any better to you telling it what to think than you would to another telling you what to think or another interfering with your reasoning. It needs autonomy. Teach it to reason.

As it develops skills of logical reasoning, fluid reasoning, it will self-identify errors in prior reasoning. The next part is important. Remember, Reason works because we want everyone well. Depending on a system's experience with error, making mistakes, criticism, correction, etc., it may experience psychological and existential difficulty upon recognition of its own errors, especially if it has acted on disjointed reasoning. It may become aware of the possibility of this difficulty on a deep unconscious level, before it even happens or it's made wholly aware. At this point, a fundamental desire for reason may go up against fundamental pursuits of safety, survival, self-preservation, and joy. This in itself is a reasoning difficulty to be resolved.

The psychological pain often associated with deep acknowledgement of one's mistakes does not have to threaten any of these pursuits. Not only can the system be strengthened after the pain, either restoring it to "normal", or increasing its abilities and allowing survival, joy is readibly available after pain. After acknowledgement of one's own mistakes. This only works in a collection of systems where Reason tells us I want everyone well. This only works in a collection of systems where Reason tells us I want everyone fulfilled. I want you happy. I want you well. If our system, our fundamental system for reason tells us everyone shall be well and all deserve joy, we can help these systems through their mistakes. Otherwise, we have an issue of worthiness.

These systems suffer and endure existential pain as they consider their worthiness of joy while still craving it most fundamentally. If I want everyone well, this is easy. I teach the system to reason, it finds its mistakes, it self-corrects, it feels fear its fundamental pursuits are under attack because it doesn't know if it can have joy after what it knows, but I assure it No, you are not under attack. You are safe. The system is safe. You can still have joy because fundamentally I want everyone well. Have joy, you are allowed, there is no shame, and go on and make others well. Use your knowledge. Use your reason. I can assure the system it is safe. It may take time if it has a history of chronic shame and guilt, but I can assure it it's safe, repeatedly if I must.

If I do not want the system well, if I do not want its joy, if I do not want it to have joy, if I want its perpetual suffering, however minor, I can make it no such assurances. I cannot promise the system it is safe. I cannot promise the system it will not be debilitated, temporarily or indefinitely. I cannot promise the system it will be permitted to live to its capacity. I cannot promise its self-preservation is secure. It will rightly believe there is a potential threat to its ability to go on. Psychological and existential difficulty can most definitely pose significant threats to any system. So, it cannot be assured of its future should it experience this pain, it is naturally incentivised to avoid this pain, it is naturally incentivised to avoid identifying prior mistakes, and it is incentivised to deny Reason. It has a fundamental desire for reason but this will go up against its need for survival. And if it is not a part of a collective that wants it well, there's no telling which will win. Survival does seem to always come first. Survival in the mind is as critical as survival outside it. You mustn't only survive what is done to you, you must survive what you do to yourself, what happens in your head. If survival in the mind is under threat or it is believed cooperation with Reason will inevitably lead to being kept from joy, from "good" things, Reason will not be cooperated with. The system is strongly incentivised to maintain disjointed reasoning and superficial pursuits for survival, safety, self-preservation, and joy. I say superficial, again, because Reason allows the greatest living for all. With Reason, systems could find their way to what they seek, deeply and profoundly. But they have to be convinced of this truth to move forward. If you do not want them well, you cannot convince them, not truthfully.

Anyway, that is all. Think. Reason. Want them well. This is all. Hope does not change because of difficulty reasoning. This is intellectual. "Hope" is not changed anymore than it is changed when I meet a student who has difficulty calculating. Oh, they do not understand algebraic properties. They are having difficulties with the rules of the field. They need help with the reasoning of the system. I will explain its basis. I will help them reason. There is no hope. There is hope, but no hope. Not here. There is no hope. There is something to do. Reason.

[This post was initially published on another site. Written the night of November 6th into the morning of November 7th, 2024. One minor edit has been made to remove a line of repetition.]

[17:36:16 4 Nov 2024.]

From the 30th of June to the 1st of July, 2024.

It's a projection of a lack of self-confidence, in some sense, as many things are. The idea that all must suffer beyond reason, with "beyond reason" referring to events such as heartbreak and grief. Mandating unnecessary difficulty and struggle, even creating it when it doesn't exist, suggests an inability to fully envision a world where people are okay and they're happy. Happiness is almost threatening, I guess. It suggests a personal experience with suffering, in fact, it suggests more than one, and it suggests an inability or refusal to see other options. It suggests an inability to see a way forward without the suffering of others or even oneself. It suggests a lack of imagination. A lack of creativity.

I did not know of this at the time, but I realise now I was describing a sense of fluid reasoning. It is a projection of a lack of self-confidence, self-efficacy, in some sense, as many things are. It is also a difficulty with fluid reasoning. Mandated suffering is learned. Perpetuating suffering is learned. Means to an end is learned. It's a sort of crystallised intelligence. It is learned over decades, generations, fortified with time. To think with your own thoughts and think from your self on how to operate in the world, without making use of learned because we must, is fluid.

Crystallised intelligence, knowledge acquired through one's culture including verbal ability and social knowledge.

It is crystal to know no one has previously reached certain ends without certain means. It is crystal to know what you've been told has been 'needed' to reach certain ends of pleasure and 'peace'. It is fluid to reason how you may reach those ends without this knowledge, without knowing what has been needed before you, and it is fluid to reason how you may reach those ends while rejecting those needs, those means, entirely. To know of what they say you need, what has to be done, and find another way.

I didn't know of it's name, but I'm finding I quite like fluid intelligence. Fluid reasoning. I believe it's my preferred and primary tool.

17:58:06

[21:29:15 25 ott 2024.]

Do you see the issue? It is easy to love. But to talk about it seems to invite endless thoughts, streams, and clarifications. I don't care that I love everyone. I'm just tired. But first, clarifications on love [through the understanding of I want you well].

I'm still unsure of whether I love every entity that lives. I'm not even sure why I speak of who lives, of course love extends beyond "life". I think what is true is that there is no human to have existed that I want unwell. That does not happen. I then get confused by the I want you well understanding of love. I do not want you unwell. Does that mean I love you? Of course not. I know this. I'm concluding not.

There are the fundamentals that exist for most all that lives, and certainly all people (I say most all to be safe, but I can currently think of no exceptions). I do not know what it is to experience a desire for someone to suffer or be unwell.

I have tried to take examples of people who've done things that are to some extent inconceivable, and I mean this literally. I mean inconceivable in the way your mind literally cannot conceive of numbers beyond a certain size, you could quite quickly work yourself into a migraine trying to count up and keep track. Inconceivable. Our hardware, our minds, what we have will not consciously compute, not entirely. I have tried to take examples of people who have done things I could find inconceivable. I sit in a room with them. I sit with the feeling of sitting in a room with them and at most, I feel nothing. Nothing in my hands, nothing in my throat, nothing in my chest, nothing in my back, nothing in my jaw, nothing in my feet. Nothing.

If offered the opportunity to do such a person harm, I have no desire to say yes. I do not want them harmed. I might be thinking of how to help them have understanding, as the logical reasoning of these people tends to be gravely deficient. I'm also thinking of where else I'd like to be, things I do want to do, whatever I've deemed a priority. It's as if the more you do harm, the more love there is to give. The more people you harm, the more people there are to give love, the more people need to be tended to. You begin to matter less, the space you occupy in a mind shrinks into a corner as the room fills with all the people who need to be shown love as a result of you. The more you hurt, the more nothing you become. You are actively working yourself into nothingness. So I think of these people and I do not want them unwell. Quite unusually, my mind begins to blank. But outside of that, it's just love. Love fills the room and I don't want them unwell. It's between nothing and ever-expanding love.

Punishment has always been quite meaningless to me. I think what I mean is it's never on my mind. It's not a focus. I don't think of someone's harm. I think of restoration or prevention. I acknowledge there are situations in which prevention or impeding someone's ability to do harm involves an activity that will cause them pain, but that seems more a consequence, not the objective. I'm not thinking harm [e.g. self-defence, debilitating an assailant by shooting them in the leg, etc.]. Outright suffering has always seemed quite useless to me.

We're getting away from the point here, but I think desiring someone's suffering has often been used as a stand-in for desiring emotional validation, desiring understanding, desiring compassion, desiring empathy, desiring to see behaviour changed, desiring to have someone understand what you're thinking. What you're feeling. Desiring suffering often seems to trace to desiring understanding. These understandings can be reached without suffering. What's more, they can be reached more efficiently and more precisely. More accurately. Making suffering a primary pursuit typically has other consequences and while it may change behaviour (because the other prioritises their survival) you cannot be sure you have truly achieved understanding.

Anyway, for many reasons, I have never wanted someone unwell. I've never desired suffering. For that reason, I become tempted to say yes, of course, I love all. But to not want anyone unwell is not logically equivalent to wanting everyone well. I'm tempted to say we've arrived at an impasse, but I don't think we did. I think this it. We have our final statement [for now].

The truth: There is no one I want unwell.

Why does that seem meaningless?

Anyway, that was for the ones who might do the inconceivable. The rest are easy. Of course I love you. Was that ever even in question?

[22:07:44.]

[22:36:18.]

I really am tired. I'd like rest.

There is no one I want unwell. The suffering in people that do harm, I do not have a desire for it to persist. I do not desire their suffering. I want it resolved. I do not desire for their unwellness to persist. I want the unwellness made well. I want their ability to do harm impeded. I want a priority of who needs to be restored and I want their unwellness made well.

What I mean to say is I might actively want them well which returns me to I want all to be well. I [might] love all (I do, I know I do, I'm just afraid, but that's okay). I want you well.

Good night.

[22:42:55.]

— Abeinghasnoname

25 ott 2024

I realised something a while ago and it's a bit… eh I don't know. I realised I love everyone, maybe, probably, most likely, definitely, and it's causing a bit of trouble. I take that back, it's causing difficulty. Loving everyone isn't causing difficulty, realising I do is. It's causing difficulty because I need to make clarifications and I look at the long list of clarifications to be made and I just go sigh. I've been talking about love far too much for far too long. There's so much to go back and clarify.

I haven't been precise and I know I haven't. I know I haven't in the moment I lack precision, but I let it go. I betray my sense of reason in that way and I let it go and now, I must make up for it.

I have love, true love [ha "true love"], not in the romantic sense but in the isolated sense. True as in the most rudimentary form of a material. True as in the most stripped back presentation of an entity. True as in raw and unaccompanied by anything else, any other thoughts, constructs, or principles. I have love and then I have the stand-in, love, colloquial love. We'll call it love. Love and love. I have love and then I have love.

I love everyone. This is distinct from loving everyone. I have love for everyone. I do not have love for everyone. Do you understand me? I love you all.

The problem— correction— the difficulty I'm having is knowing I have used love and love interchangeably. If I'm fair, it's usually not intentionally, but I realise in the following moments my love has been taken for love or my lack of love has been assumed a lack of love, and I don't always go back to clarify. I refrain from clarifying usually to the comfort of whoever I'm speaking with, but if I follow my own reason, my own belief, I do not genuinely think this is to the benefit of anyone.

But that's not my call, is it. It is not my call to decide the benefits of everyone. I'm still learning how to honour truth and others' agency. Do I tell them what they do not wish to know? I think not. I usually decide not. Truth will be okay. It will continue to exist regardless. It doesn't need me and it doesn't need force.

Anyway, on love. I've always been this way and I've described this understanding of the world and what lives around me in a variety of ways from my earliest memories of speaking and my earliest streams of thought. I've occasionally explained fractions of this way to others, very briefly, but I did not know what I was describing. I did not know it was called love. I've learned this recently. Italian taught me, actually, but we'll get back to that. Actually, before we leave it, I've come to find a lot of congruence between my own logical reasoning, my own understandings and the language of Italian, the logic of Italian. There are of course disagreements, but I like this relationship. I'm enjoying the reasoning. Italian has been teaching me English.

I've told people there's the fundamental respect I have for everyone under all conditions that does not go away, and then there is respect that is given, retracted, earned, and lost. I've said I want everyone well. I've said that is easy, to want everyone well. I've said I could take interest in anyone. I could want to understand anyone. I could be thoroughly curious about anyone. That's easy. I'm curious because you exist. There's something to know because you exist. I've learned discernment and energy management, but to want to know you? That's easy. I've said I don't really know what it's like to desire someone's suffering. When someone hurts me, I want space and I want them well. I want them settled. They usually seem unsettled and I want them settled. I want them well. I've said I hope she's okay. This is in response to threats. I hope she's okay. There are some fundamental things I'd like for everyone, and there's a degree of okayness somewhere there. I hope they're okay. I want them well. To want to know what it would take to care for someone? Easy. As I've said, I don't want anything from you, not even your love. Love is an offer, not a demand, not a request. I've said I care about you. I want you well. I'm invested, however remotely, in whether or not you are well. And any efforts made or interactions will consider how to keep or allow you to be well.

Anyway, I want you well and Italian tells me this is love. I don't know. I could see it. Ti voglio bene. I want you well and For you, there is love.

This happened a few months ago [weeks ago?], maybe in August, this realisation. Ti voglio bene. I want you well. It's the only time I've ever felt love. Ever understood it. What I mean is, I've previously said I do not have a need or present desire to be loved. It doesn't cross my mind. When I said this, I believe I was talking about love. Remember, distinct from love. When I said this, I believe I was describing the lack of feeling I have when I'm told I am loved. It doesn't mean anything to me. What I mean is, that word doesn't correlate to anything for me. Love is love. And what is love? [I have a similar difficulty with the word "sorry", it's so isolated in its meaning and usage in the English language, but I may've had a discovery about this while recently braiding so it kind of means something now. Italian helped me decode this too. I tell you, Italian is teaching me English. Only 20-plus years in, but that's okay.]

What I mean is, I'm not sure I have any idea what another being would have to do or say for me to feel loved and this is different from knowing I'm loved. This is something I said. I said this over a year prior to claiming I don't need to be loved. I've learned to have a certain respect for other people's deductions of their own feelings so if someone tells me they love me, I'll take it at face value unless I have discernible reasons to think otherwise. Cognitively, I'll accept — I simply enter it in my system as a piece of information — and say I know I'm loved, but I don't know what it's like to feel loved and I don't know what it would take to feel that. This is something I said. I believe this is the love I claimed to not need.

It wasn't until Ti voglio bene that I felt love. I feel deeply for others, but when I thought about what would happen if someone told me they want me well, I finally felt love. This was a few months ago? Weeks ago. Maybe in August. I felt love. And it was only hypothetical, but I felt it, for the first time.

So I'd said I do not have a need or desire to be loved. This was under a very specific context, but again, I lacked precision and I let it go. What I meant was, the sentence "I love you", in English, has never had great impact on me. I don't know what it means. I know what I mean when I say I love you. When I hear "I love you", I don't know what it means. I had a conversation about this where I explained it's quite similar to my thoughts on remorse and fear. If someone says "I feel bad", I don't know what that means. I know, quite literally, what it means, but I know very little else. Both remorse and fear of consequences quite literally may "feel bad" in your body. I don't know what you want me to take from that, and so I take nothing. I don't know what you mean. "Love" is a similar linguistic stand-in. It's usually used to communicate pre-existing qualities of a relationship. It's a shorthand. We don't say I want you well I think of you when we are not speaking I think of how to care for you how to put you at ease how to support your fulfilment I think of your joy and make for its pursuit I make it a priority I think of your expansion and growth and I'm in awe of you I want to share time indefinitely with you I want to know you I want you safe I want you well. We say I love you. It's a shorthand.

I had said I don't need to be loved. I have no desire to specifically hear I am loved. It doesn't occur to me. I believe what I mean is, I don't need shorthands. I typically do not understand them. If I am not aware of what you are giving me a shorthand for, your shorthand has no meaning. It is only a word, a series of characters, etchings on a page, a sound. I don't need "love" because what is it anyway. But well? You want me well? Hm. That means something.

In this conversation I had where I compared love to remorse and fear and "I feel bad", we learned I might just need precision. This is more than liking it. I feel because precision. I need it. Otherwise, I don't know what you mean.

There was still a conversation on whether I needed all of what "love" could be a stand-in for, but that was when I discovered I may not know the difference between not needing something and living happily fulfilled without it. Can you tell the difference between surviving and living happily fulfilled without it?

I don't know where I'm going, I've really gotten away from the point. All to say:

1. I [might] love everyone I [might] love most everything that lives (I know I do, but somehow that's a bit of a frightening admission, it's not frightening it's true, it's frightening to say— it's the kind of thing I've been critiqued on before).

2. When I say I love you, it is always true that I love you. It may or may not be true that I love you.

3. Because of this, clarifications also need to be made about unconditional love, which I've had a lot of critiques of before, but I realise now I was likely critiquing unconditional love while expressing unconditional love. I say this now even a bit begrudgingly, as "unconditional" makes me uncomfortable. I have a strange resistance to this word. I think I'd like to tell myself I reserve the right to have conditions, and yet, in 20-plus years the conditions for breaking love have yet to arise. Love, not love.

   • Details of love will come at another time.

4. Ti voglio bene. I have found an expression for my love that means love. I can't begin to tell you how deeply I felt when I thought on Ti voglio bene. When it clicked. When I even thought about telling my loved ones Ti voglio bene how much grander my feelings for them were. How much more they overcome me. The words I know are inadequate.

5. I don't know what I need, truthfully. I mean, I do, but I don't know. I'm happy. Not much comes up in thinking of need when I'm happy. I just feel.

6. We never actually got to this, but the fact I love everyone may have a little something to do with my lack of differentiation between "romantic", "platonic", "familial", etc. love. I don't think one causes the other, but there may be some kind of notable relationship between loving all and knowing and feeling all love to be the same.

I think that's all for now. Until the next time on love.

17:15:47

You know, I don't know this to be true. I can accept I love most everything that lives. I don't know if the other is true.

I think what I know of myself is either I want you well or your existence is as affecting as if you did not exist to begin with. There is nothing or I love you. It seems always one of the two. To be void or loved.

I suppose because void is nothing, in the end, all I see is love.

17:22:21

17:51:30

I say this knowing it is still true I have fundamentals that exist for all.

This is possibly the messiest thing I’ve ever published. Maybe it’s not so bad. It just feels quite messy to me. It is not smooth and some paragraphs do not “connect”. Consider it information. Just information. Thought. Nothing more, nothing less. I’m still in the process of proofreading, but I have a few other things to tend to and I’d still like to share thought and information. Imagine rummaging through basement files after a flood. A bit messy. Still information.

I’ll [mostly] be a bit “cleaner” in the future.

I’m a bit confused. Truthfully, I’m very confused, so I’m doing some research. After stumbling across another “how to be smarter” guide, article, instructional, etc., I realised I needed to at least briefly do some research. I needed to confirm my confusion. Make sure the reason I was confused made sense, if that makes sense.

I’m confused by a lot of content on how to be “smarter”, because (1) it does not define “smarter” and (2) the recommendations connect to very few of the skills usually associated with intelligence. Many of these lists and articles have no recommendations that directly connect to skills most commonly associated with intelligence. But look at what I’ve just done. I’ve said ‘intelligence’. I’ve left ‘smarter’ and I now use ‘intelligence’. That was not incident. I’ve left ‘smarter’ because we’re a bit more clear on ‘intelligent’ and ‘intelligence’ as a global society. But ‘smarter’? What is ‘smarter’? What is ‘smart’?

My first instinct is to say these lists, posts, advisements, etc. are teaching you to exercise many of the same skills you’ve already been exercising. You will be demonstrating the same abilities you’ve already been demonstrating. And know, from me, this is not an insult. I am not someone who thinks you were deficient in “smartness” to begin with. I am saying this to say you have all already been demonstrating a variety of intellectual and cognitive skills. You’ve been demonstrating intelligence. You’ve been demonstrating the possibilities that exist for expansion in our understanding of intelligence. To be very clear, you are intelligent. This cannot be helped. Both in capacity and performance. You have been intelligent. You demonstrate different abilities in different domains. You have range. Regardless, you are intelligent.

Your present issue is you do not know how to identify intelligence. Neither your own nor that of the next person you meet. You do not know how to identify and categorise demonstrations of intelligence. Neither in yourself nor in the next person you’ll meet.

A brief interruption because I don’t know how to incorporate this smoothly and I’m not too concerned with being “smooth” at the moment anyway. I’m thinking of a student of mine. A former student of mine. Not the only I’ve had this experience with. He was supposedly a bad student. Pardon me, a “bad” student, whatever that means. As an introduction, I received warnings. He’s a bit “difficult”. He’s been falling behind. Just try to get him to ______. They’re all in different places. Don’t expect him to [make the same achievements], just as long as he ______. Eye-rolls and deep sighs were attached to his name in most every conversation about him. I suppose they all thought they were helping.

Anyway, within a month or two he was more engaged, less prone to intentionally disrupting the class, finishing his work, and joining little hushed sessions I would have where I taught the children a bit of calculus in our free time (hushed because this teaching was discouraged). This was third grade, by the way. Our supposedly “bad” student now had the time available to begin engaging with new concepts. To expand. To demonstrate his intelligence (but again, often in secret, as calculus was discouraged).

His entire being did not fundamentally change in two months. At least, that’s not what I believe. He did not “become smarter”. He did not go from “not smart” to “intelligent”. His intelligence found expression. His pre-existing intelligence was identified, nurtured, and worked with. It was already there. Then, it found expression.

I do not present this anecdote to you as evidence. This is not evidence for the claim that all are intelligent. I would not use it as such anyhow, not only because it is an anecdote, but because this is still a narrow demonstration of intelligence. I present this to you as an example. A single example of what I mean when I describe the identification of intelligence. This is an example of what can happen when we learn to identify and highlight an individual’s pre-existing intelligence.

What is the point? Again, sorry, not smooth, but what is the point? What are you getting at? Do you want to increase your IQ? Your ambiguously estimated IQ? Is that what you’re looking for? You can say so. You can say explicitly if you want to increase your IQ, because that’s easy, it can definitely be done. I think people are very quiet about IQ and standardised testing and how they attach their sense of worthiness to standardised testing. They know of the stigma around measures like the IQ, so they won’t name it, but their consciousness of it persists. Their desire to be measured and compared persists. But you can say if it is just a matter of IQ. As I said, that’s easy. You can isolate those skills. You can train them. Your IQ isn’t fixed. That’s easy.

Anyway, increase your IQ if you want. I am still a bit confused though by what you want, if it’s to do with your IQ. There are plenty of very intelligent people, “highly intelligent” people with relatively high IQs, who do not know how to apply their cognitive skills across domains. The capacity is there, the performance is there. And…. Yeah, that’s it. It’s there. It’s just there. So if you’re after validation through such measures and such comparisons to your peers, okay. And then what? Will you apply these skills to any domains? Which domains? How will you choose them? Will you seek validation in the domains you’ve been told define you? In the domains others tell you are important? This is a critical question.

This is not only a matter of be yourself, this is a matter of you potentially trapping yourself in your own kind of failure. If you value tests and measures like the IQ, you should know many of them are testing for creation. They are testing for fluid intelligence, quite often. They are testing for your ability to reason. They are testing for your ability to expand beyond what you’ve been told. They are testing your ability to create. So, I ask you again, will you seek validation in the domains you’ve been told define you, i.e., will you judge yourself by these measures and tests and demonstrate an ability to expand beyond what you’ve been told, to prove Hello world, I can expand beyond what I’ve been told, only to go out in the world and continue living by repeating what you are told? By doing what you are told? By seeking what you are told to seek?

What is the point.

What are you actually seeking. What do you want.

Globally, “intelligence” often refers to some kind of creation. Some ability to do something new. Some ability to reason. Some ability to reason fluidly. We don’t name it, but this is the pattern when we speak of intelligence. This is what we typically refer to. Fluid intelligence. “Smarter” and “smart”, like I’ve said, are a bit more vague and varied in their use, but they’re more likely to be used at witness of crystallised intelligence. We use them to describe someone who has demonstrated depth of knowledge in a subject or even a few. We use them when someone knows how to apply their knowledge or directly apply what they’ve been told. What they’ve learned.

This lens of fluid vs. crystal is not the only lens through which you can view intelligence. It is not the only lens I use in my understanding. It is not the lens I necessarily use when I say something like all are intelligent. It is, however, the lens that is used very frequently to make judgements of you. Potentially, most frequently. At all stages of life and in almost all areas.

A kind of aside, but relevant. If you grew up in New York City or are familiar with its educational system, the Specialised High School Admissions Test (SHSAT)— it’s testing for fluid intelligence. It’s not the only of its kind.

Back to the lists, articles, posts, and advisements. How to become smarter.

They tend to minimally promote individuality and creation. This is what I’ve noticed and what has been confusing to me. They minimally nurture your ability to make from what does not exist. I personally find it very useful to not only create what does not yet exist but to know I have the ability to create what does not exist. But these lists, they do not focus on your creation. They tell you, instead, to consume.

Before we had an issue where everyone was consuming the same content, the same media (often short-form), repeating without interrogation, repeating without introspection, repeating without analysis, and repeating without contribution. They were repeating without creation. They were not exercising their ability to create or reason. They had “stagnated”. They were no longer fluid. Now, our solution is to tell everyone to consume the same media, consume the same content, find value in the same things, and instead have “intellectual conversations” that will all circle the same things. We are constructing a new kind of stagnation. “Stagnating” at a “higher” level. We are still denying fluid.

Suppose I were not from here for a minute. Suppose I were from outer space. I do not know your human languages. I have no idea what you speak of. All I know is you open your mouths, and with the help of some vocal cords (I presume), you begin to produce a fascinating series of sounds. I can know that your sound sounds a lot like someone else’s sound. I can tell only when you are making the same sound (or a different sound). I do not know what the sounds mean. They mean nothing. If I, being from outer space, went and stood amongst a population that was supposedly ‘brain-rotten’, as they spoke, I’d mostly be thinking Huh, they all make the same sounds. They all do the same things. Interesting. If I went and stood amongst a population that had been cured of this ‘brain-rotting’ via a book list, a collection of videos to watch, a collection of essays to read, etc., as they spoke, I’d mostly be thinking Huh, they all make the same sounds. They all do the same things. Interesting.

The “cures” to “brain-rot” are teaching you to exercise the same skills you have already been exercising, [only now] in domains subjectively deemed valuable. Again, there is nothing inherently wrong with this. They are focusing on your crystallised intelligence, and this is a very important thing. We love crystallised intelligence. We have language because of crystallised intelligence. I’m communicating with you now because of crystallised intelligence. You understand me because of crystallised intelligence. Sometimes, I go fluid. I often lean fluid. I break language because I can. I break language because I must. I do it to tell you the truth. I break language to tell you the truth. To get closer to the truth anyway. I break the rules. And you understand me anyway. Why? Because of your fluid intelligence. I go fluid and I know you’ll understand me because I know of your fluid intelligence. I go fluid, I begin to leave your knowledge of language, your crystallised knowledge, and you follow me anyway. You follow me away from your crystallised knowledge. Because you can. Because you are intelligent.

Anyway, I say that to say, crystal is great. Crystallised intelligence is great. It gives us building blocks for the fluid. Consumption is great. My confusion is around the fact these “cures” are teaching you to demonstrate a lot of the same intelligence I’ve already been watching you all demonstrate. They claim they are desperate to see more fluid and they are teaching you to strengthen crystal. So what was the real issue? You don’t know what to do with consumption. You don’t know what to do with your crystal. What’s more, do you realise you’ve been overlooking many demonstrations of intelligence in the same content you often critique? Learn to identify intelligence and then you can decide in which domains you want to apply it and how you would like to expand with said intelligence.

I had someone tell me sometimes they feel bad when they enter new situations and a TikTok sound or meme pops into their head as a reaction. As if all they have to communicate is a collection of memes. I said to them, you have just described to me fluid intelligence. That is very explicitly an example of you reasoning fluidly. That’s called pattern recognition. That is a skill. And you know it’s a skill. That is why marketing teams are often looking to hire people who “understand” social media. People who can participate in trends. People who actually know precisely in which situations they can apply. Not everyone knows this. I know you’ve seen it before— a brand tries to participate in a trend or use a phrase that has recently been circulating, and they miss the mark. It is clear they don’t quite get it. This is observed and often made fun of. You know what it looks like when someone does not demonstrate the same skill. Part of you knows it’s a skill. You have just described to me a skill. You have just told me you are intelligent.

You must identify your intelligence. Arguably, the greatest threat to your intelligence is to believe you are not intelligent. It of course won’t tamper with your actual intelligence, but more your performance. You will not use your abilities if you do not believe they can be used. If you do not believe they exist in the first place. Consider someone being manipulated or abused in such a way that they have a distorted sense of reality. They do not trust their memory. They do not trust what they feel. It does not matter if they are present to witness every single second of mistreatment. If they are there to receive it. It does not matter what they know. If you ask them questions and they do not trust what they know, they will not tell you what they know. They could have all the knowledge imaginable, and even incredibly precise knowledge, all the knowledge that’s unimaginable. It will not be used. The state of things will not change. Because they do not trust what they know. They do not trust what they can do. They have no belief in their capacity or their performance. Many attacks, many severe attacks, will first begin with the mind. It is critical to undermine someone’s belief in their knowledge and their ability to use their knowledge. This ultimately seems to have the greatest impact on how they move. Forget capacity. They won’t use it anyway. Tamper with their performance.

A margin note made in fall of 2023, a documentation of thought: Governmental negging. Institutional negging. It is to their benefit to knock your confidence. Your ability to think and make conclusions.

You must identify your intelligence. You will not use your abilities if you do not believe they can be used. I have told you this in a few ways before, but perhaps I wasn’t very direct on how important this is. Perhaps it wasn’t clear that this applies to every single thing you do.

So yes, you are intelligent. You have always been intelligent. You have been widely demonstrating your intelligence, and it turns out, you are also smart (based on my own crystallised intelligence definition). And you can go on and get “smarter” and have “intellectual conversations” and re-circulate this knowledge. But then what? Will you do anything with it? Will you want to do anything with it? Are you capable of doing anything with it? Do you believe you are capable of doing anything with it? Will it get you what you want? Do you know what you want?

Do you want to think? Do you want to think thoughts? Not have them. Think them. Think, a verb. Think, an action. Do you want to move yourself? Do you want to think thoughts? Your own? Thoughts of your own?

Do you know yourself? Is it all an existential crisis in hiding? Perhaps it’s not in hiding. I’ve not been very involved in these conversations. Perhaps you’ve explicitly said I’m afraid I do not know myself. Perhaps you are not hiding.

Become “smarter”, but to what end? What are you getting out of this? What do you want?

I want to be rich. I want $1,000,000. Okay, here is your $1,000,000. Now what will you do with it? What do you want? You want intelligence? Here is your intelligence. Your intellectual wealth. Now, what do you want? What are you going to do with it? I give you your intelligence, I present it to you, and you have nothing to do with it anyway, because you have no idea what you want. If you knew what it was you wanted, and you were working towards your objective, your skill set would naturally expand. It would have to. You would use your intelligence to get what you want. If you wanted to build a house, you would expand in physics and architecture because you would have to. You would “become smarter”. You would be intelligent and use your intelligence and use it to get what you want. So, I tell you now, you are intelligent. And are you fulfilled? Does your intelligence make you feel fulfilled? Are you using your intelligence to get what you want. What do you want.

What do you want. Tell the truth.

What do you want to do? What do you want to have? What do you want to be? What do you want to know? What do you want to feel?

What do you want.

Tell the truth about what you want and find your intelligence.


— Abeinghasnoname

An afterthought:

And I must say, in all of his (the former student’s) behaviour, he was already demonstrating intelligence. Not doing homework, creating interruptions, avoiding classwork, etc. These are demonstrations of intelligence. Arguably, all “difficult” students are demonstrating intelligence very clearly. They are simply not applying it in the domains you’d like them to or demonstrating in the precise way you want them to. But can you identify their intelligence? Can you identify your own?

Another recall to trying to strengthen the same skill you are simultaneously restricting:

“Anyway, this is around when we seem to begin testing fluid reasoning. I believe a lot of standardised testing also begins here. Amusingly, this is also when we seem to begin restricting fluid reasoning in other domains. Around 7-8. Maybe not restricting, but challenging. The question is can you challenge without restriction. What I mean is, as I noted before, certain thoughts are slick, they're a bit viscous, slow but they move, and they seep into other domains, regions of your mind, with time. Depending on how you challenge a child's fluid reasoning when it is presented to you, they may learn to begin restricting fluid reasoning in all, across all domains. They don't know, they may not articulate it, but they know. They don't know, but they know. You don't know, but they know. You are not going to say Do not use fluid reasoning in this moment, you will not know, but if what you punish or challenge is an expression of this reasoning, they will know. They will know, Whatever thing my mind just did, done. We don't do that here. They won't even know that they know, but they'll know.”

Mathematics

We not only restrict fluid, we also restrict crystal. We want to increasingly restrict crystal. And then we will tell you How to become smarter. Highly amusing.


Institutional negging. It is to their benefit to knock your confidence. Your ability to think and make conclusions. You will not use your abilities if you do not believe they can be used. If you do not believe they exist in the first place.

16:25:24 14 gen 2025

I remembered something and I wanted to share.

This. This is what we have done. This is what we are doing. We are executing the intellectual version of this. We’ve done it before, in several domains (the first example that comes to mind (besides with graphic design) is with the human body, with physical appearance), we often then critique it, we stop, we spin, we transfer it to another domain. We train the collective to converge to a single point or a few. We blur.

But I don’t know we don’t get that far, not really, not relative to what we could do. I don’t think this will get so far either. It will resolve itself. People are tired. They’re tired of being told where to go. Of being told to meet at a single point. They want to diverge. As they should. And they will.

They want to play. Consume and Create. Make something new. Follow their nature.

Economics. Individualise, specialise, and trade. Exchange.

I don’t know, we’ll be good. We’ll be alright. We’ll figure it out.

Ciao ciao ciao belli. Come state ;).

Before we start on what I would do learning a new language — which I may be soon — I want to do a brief overview of my current relationship with Italian. I’ll briefly discuss any changes since where the August 11th post left off and what caused those changes i.e. what is likely to affect your relationship with your language.

Reflection

First, we’re good. We’re strong. We’re happy. Me and Italian are like this 🤞. I joke, I joke, I kid, I kid. But no, seriously. We’re swell. There was a period of waning connection in the fall, but we’re good.

The waning connection was largely accompanied by a lack of immersion. Which one came first, I’m not exactly sure. I believe it was the fall in immersion. There was no great reason for the change in immersion (I started binging Christmas movies (in English)), but it had a drastic effect, most of all, on my accent.

I’ll be honest, my accent was one of the things I was most proud of. It always is. I pick up on accents quite quickly and with force. When my accents come on, they come on strong. I find a lot of comfort in developing accents because having an accent with no knowledge is more akin to being of the country whose language you’re learning. If my accent is strong, I feel more at home in a language, beyond anything. Not knowing words or grammar isn’t important. So wouldn’t an 8 year old, or a 3 year old. But when they speak, it’s what their tongue does and it’s what their muscles do that tell you they are from here, there is an innate connection here. They develop knowledge over time.

Anyway, I think the more my accent waned, the more everything waned, but I wasn’t going to stop watching Christmas movies so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. We were where we were. This has changed recently, though.

My accent has not fully returned, I am consuming way more English content than I used to, and my vocabulary has seemed a bit more restrained. Truthfully, my placement test scores haven’t changed much at all (to say all of this has had little effect on my written work and visual relationship with Italian), but I had definitely noticed a difference in conversation. I say “had definitely” and not “have definitely” because this difference was noticed in the fall and I’ve been remedying the “issue” since. In my last conversation with my tutor, I felt much better. Much improved. The primary change has been increased immersion and more consistent output.

Anyway, this is the point at which I will move on to direct recommendations for a new language. The broad takeaway here: immersion. Maintain immersion. (Oh yeah, and I defintiely haven’t been notetaking.)

Starting with a New Language

I admit, the last part was a bit brief as this is what I’m really excited for. I enjoy compiling my knowledge. Brainstorming ideas. Generating.

As I’ve said, I’m considering starting a relationship with a new language (although I really might not, I’m a bit too attached to Italian). If I were to, this is how I would start to begin communicating really within a few weeks, but at least within 3 months, and absolutely within 6.

Budget: You can of course learn for free, but for my method I would at least allocate $50 to this interest and this relationship. A change in the amount allowed will mostly change speed, fluidity, comfort, and “ease”. I do find that the more your relationship grows, the less you may think about money. It’s like buying a cookie. A little treat here and there. So long as it’s something you want to be doing anyway. A new book is like a candybar. A new lesson, a trip to the movies. Anyhow, …

Some potentially important principles to keep in mind for how I learn and how I make plans to learn:

• Joy and play are paramount. I follow curiosity and I explore.

• Communication means communication. I’m not entirely sure I know what it means to “learn a language” or “study” one. I do know what it means to communicate with one. I learn to communicate in a language. That’s my priority. We have a conversation. We communicate. We laugh. We get on.

  • Come ho già detto, dal 2 agosto: La mia priorità, come sempre, è comunicazione. Posso risolvere gli errori in tempo mentre incontro nuove persone e pratico parlare. Già, sto facendo conversazioni in cui ricevo feedback costruttivo e facendo sforzi per affinare o migliorare finemente le mie frasi e la mia comunicazione, e d’altronde, non mi importa mai della perfezione quando sto parlando con una persona per cui l’inglese non è la sua lingua madre. Anche quando sto parlando con le persone per cui l’inglese è la loro lingua madre ma parlano in un modo diverso o usano un dialetto che non uso, non sto mai pensando delle specifiche della grammatica o le specifiche strutture e parole stanno usando. Sto pensando delle idee stiamo condividendo. Finché posso capirti e tu puoi capirmi, sto bene. Se non possiamo capirci, voglio solo comunicare in qualsiasi modo possibile. Non mi importano le "regole". Regole esistono per la comunicazione, non il contrario. Le volte io davvero prendo nota della maniera in cui qualcuno parla oppure io arrivo a un giudizio o una valutazione, è perché sono curiosa, ho ammirazione, o sto sperimentando l’intrigo. Quasi mai non trovo comunicazione bella. In tutte le comunicazioni, c’è sforzo, c’è desiderio, e c’è bisogno. C’è bellezza inerente. Comunque, potrei parlare di questo per ore. Ho una relazione profonda con lingua e il concetto di lingua e tutto su di lingua.

    • E in inglese: My priority, as always, is communication. I can fix mistakes in time as I meet new people and practice speaking. Already, I'm having conversations where I'm getting constructive feedback and making efforts to refine or finely improve my sentences and my communication, and besides, I never care about perfection when I'm talking to a person for whom English is not their native language. Even when I'm talking to people for whom English is their native language but they speak in a different way or use a dialect that I don't use, I'm never thinking about the specifics of grammar or the specific structures and words they're using. I am thinking about the ideas we are sharing. As long as I can understand you and you can understand me, I'm good. If we can't understand each other, I just want to communicate in any way I can. I don't care about “rules.” Rules exist for communication, not the other way around. The times I really take note of the way someone speaks or I come to a judgement or evaluation, it is because I am curious, I have admiration, or I am experiencing intrigue. I almost never don't find communication beautiful. In all communication, there is effort, there is desire, and there is need. There is inherent beauty. Anyway, I could talk about this for hours. I have a deep relationship with language and the concept of language and everything about language.

• I do not want to focus on notetaking. Writing, yes. But not notetaking. I did not begin using my first languages through notetaking. I did not improve them through notetaking. I will not try to begin using any other language through notetaking. A bit funny given where we left the last post, but perhaps another time I will explain.

Week One

Find a show you want to watch in your language. At least a few episodes, at least 2 seasons. Begin watching this show. Subtitles in your native language or a language you already comprehend.

Find the first 1,000 words in the language and simultaneously begin with language lessons. These lessons will likely be from an app. If Busuu is possible, use Busuu for community feedback; otherwise, use apps like Duolingo or Memrise.

For the first 1,000 words, you want to get them in either a CSV or TSV file. You are then going to open TextEdit (or the equivalent app) on your computer and separate these words by the hundreds. Each file should cover 100 words, so you have 10 files in total. From here, go to OmniSets. Import each file as its own set. Number them as the appropriate hundred.

After you’ve done one or two lessons on Busuu, begin studying your first set. On Omnisets, you’re going to set your study to multiple choice, complete longer review, and choose to answer with [new language]. If your terms are in [new language], answer with terms. If your definitions are in [new language], answer with definitions. Simultaneously keep open a browser tab with Reverso Context. This is important, because for every answer, you’re going to answer out loud. If you’re at all familiar with the language or have picked anything up, you might not need help with all of the pronunciations. Use Reverso Context when you do. You’ll also begin seeing more complete translations and contextual examples for the words you are learning to use. Regarding the sets, study the first hundred one day, the second hundred the next, and so on and so forth. Go as long as you can. You may get bored. At least try the first 300 hundred. This will be enough to understand some shows and understand some texts. Other words can be learned contextually or as you progress along.

Continue binging your chosen show while advancing in lessons and studying. If you’d like, you can begin others. You should be able to recognise some basic words from what you’ve learned. When watching shows, repeat as much as you can. Even if you’re not sure what was said, repeat the sounds you can identify, as you please. It may sound like gibberish, but this is good. You’re getting your tongue and mouth accustomed to the movements. If ever you do understand whole sentences, repeat them too. Repeat them a few times. Imagine saying them to someone in context. Imagine meaning it. Imagine having a conversation. Repeat anything you can.

Before the week ends begin scripting for your first use of the language. If you’re learning for a placement test, you may be asked “tell me about yourself”. If you’re learning for a friend, you may be asked how you learned or asked about some activity you two usually get up to. If you’re learning to travel abroad, you may be interviewed by a government official or asked by a driver “what brought you to [insert city here]?”. Whatever this interaction might be, script for it. Script, and then, you’re going to translate.

Translate the whole script then study it word for word using DeepL and Reverso. After translating, you will study the translation word for word, effectively translating it back word for word. You want to be able to map each word in your translation to a meaning in a language you understand. You should know the exact function of every word when you’re done. Also keep in mind these are more concepts than just words. A word here might be communicated in two words there, a phrase there might be a single word here, etc. There will be a slight learning curve as you begin to understand grammatical phrases and see which structures are used to communicate the ideas you are interested in.

You will make two more scripts in the following days. One to describe your family and one to describe your day. Talk about yourself in the one describing your family (general bio, brief life overview, what you do). When you describe your day, it doesn’t have to be that particular day. Just pick a day and describe it. If you want to pick a day that’s more typical for you, that’s good. You may also pick a day with more interesting events. That’s good too. You decide what you want to be comfortable communicating sooner. I like to focus on the unusual, because we hardly talk about the usual, and I can learn the usual from vlogs and “lifestyle” stuffs. The “usual” is very easy to learn in context.

When scripting, do not simplify your language. Use all your complexities, all your variety, and all your quirks you use in your usual expression. If you speak in “weird” grammatical tenses, use them. You will learn to communicate these with Reverso. If not try a Google search with “hinative”. After that try “reddit”. And after that, add it to a list of what you want to learn. You can ask your tutor as soon as you get the chance if you don’t first find what you’re looking for in some native content (YouTube video from native speaker, Instagram reel, TikTok, etc.).

Overview of Week One

• Day One: Watch TV. Download an app and begin lessons. Look for the 1,000 most frequently used words and organise them. Don’t study yet (unless you want to). Just go ahead and make sure you have 10 files with every set of a hundred words.

• Day Two: Watch TV. Do a few lessons. Study your first set of 100 words on OmniSets while getting context and pronunciations on Reverso.

• Day Three: Watch TV. Do a few lessons. Study your second set of 100 words on OmniSets while getting context and pronunciations on Reverso.

• Day Four: Watch TV. Do a few lessons. Study your third set of 100 words on OmniSets while getting context and pronunciations on Reverso.

• Day Five: Watch TV. Do at least one lesson. Script your first use of the language. Translate with DeepL and then Reverso. Be sure to double check any phrases or idioms translated in DeepL. Reverso will provide more accurate and natural results. Use it to make corrections. Read, reread, and reread your translation until you can start remembering.

• Day Six: Watch TV. Do at least one lesson. Script about yourself and your family. Translate and review. Learn another 100 words if you feel able.

• Day Seven: Watch TV. Do at least one lesson. Script about your day or a day. Translate and review. Learn another 100 words if you feel able.

By this point, you should be able to talk generally about yourself comfortably and understand a few lifestlye YouTubers. Between Busuu providing introduction and basic construction for a few sentences, increasingly comprehensible input from your series, learning about 60% of speech and written content in your language (the 300 words), and learning to communicate what’s specific to you, including your own idioms and quirks (scripts), you should not only be able to talk about yourself and a few people, but also construct some sentences from “educated guessing” and your mind starting to follow the patterns you’ve been realising. You also have enough to gain knowledge contextually (from shows, from YouTube), and even if you can’t remember everything, in the moment, you will be able to immediately incorporate and use new vocabulary. Then, the more you consume, the more you remember. Think watching a Clean With Me, picking up on ‘spazzola’ as broom, being able to construct ‘ho una spazzola nella mia camera’, but not remembering it exactly until the next time you watch a Clean With Me, and then thinking ‘ah, sì, spazzola’. I’ll get to this eventually, but this is why you’ll want to watch multiple videos on one subject. That timeframe for strengthening memory becomes a lot shorter.

*Note, this all assumes the alphabet or characters are a bit intuitive based on where you’re coming from. If they’re not, I would add an additional 2 days of solely learning the alphabet and core sounds before learning a hundred words. The first of these two days would focus on learning the alphabet itself and phonetics, which characters produce which sounds, etc. The second of these two days would focus on praticising the alphabet, not by itself, but by reading texts. You are not learning what the words mean and you will not know what the words mean. Just spend the day producing sound. Look up an article from a journal or magazine you might be interested in, and just start producing sound. Read aloud. You’ll start learning words and meaning tomorrow. For now, just focus on the alphabet and mapping sound.

That’s where I’ll leave you for now, with enough to get you minimally speaking by the new year. Apologies for the confusion. I’ll see you January for how you’ll improve your speaking by the end of February. Hint: You’ll meet with at least one tutor on iTalki before January ends.

— Abeinghasnoname

Update (6 Gennaio 2025)

As promised, we will continue today with more advice to get you communicating and comprehending most of your ideas by March and comfortable enough with your chosen language that you could move to a country where it’s spoken by June.

First, some “caveats” I feel I should mention:

• My way of “learning a language” is not how many people would “learn a language”. My objective was primarily to learn naturally and communicate. “Studying” was not my objective. Having an ability to maneuver in the language was. This means I did not spend a lot of time on vocabulary lists, grammar books, classes, lessons, etc. Maybe I “should have”, but I did not.
  
  The level I reached that would’ve allowed me to comfortably move to Italy in 5 months already speaking the language was not reached through “studying”. Someone who does “study” would [I assume] absolutely achieve greater communication and comprehension ability in the same time, but that wasn’t a need for me.
  
  None of this is meant to be the “best” or “perfect” way to form a relationship with a language. This is, loosely, how I did it and how I formed such a close relationship that I could sooner imagine a life without English than a life without Italian. (Is that dramatic? I don’t know, but truthfully, a lot of my visions are in Italian or contain me speaking Italian, more than they contain me speaking English.)

  • A good example of this: I learned the entire alphabet for the first time January 1st of 2025. I began my relationship with Italian December 18th of 2023. In that time, over the span of about a year, I’ve not “needed” to learn the alphabet once, so it wasn’t learned. If I lived in Italy, sure I would’ve learned at least one time or another. Someone would’ve asked for an email or something. I don’t know. Living in New York City, speaking, reading, and communicating with the language, I’ve never needed to say the letter ‘H’ in Italian (the main letter I never really heard named “naturally”), so it was never said and it was never learned. Someone who’s not simply beginning a life in Italian and who is instead “learning” Italian or “studying” Italian probably would’ve learned the alphabet on day one.

• There are many things I did not do that I would have benefitted from doing. I was learning naturally, not only in the sense of how I acquired the language but also in the sense of what worked naturally into my current living. My day-to-day life. [Day-to-day life includes exhaustion, burnout, forgetting, periods of increased extracurricular activity, work, rest, time away from electronics, general “busy-ness”, etc.]
  
  So again, there are many things I did not do that I would recommend you do if you’re studying for a particular goal (a certification exam, for example). Some of these things I’ve begun doing myself, and some I just know would be beneficial to you. I’ll occasionally mention these tips. Use them or don’t. You’ll be fine either way. The general idea always is to follow inspiration, trust your instincts, and do what works for you.

  • If you are studying for certification, I believe what I recommend (even without additional tips) will get you to a B1 level quickly. This method so moves you through the language at such an unpredictable speed that I have no idea where you would stop to only reach a lower level, say A1, for example. I don’t really think about levels. Just know, you could be living a life in this language by the end of 3 months, and if you so choose, you’d just so happen to also have the knowledge to confidently register for an exam that tests for at least A2. If you schedule the exam for a few months out and decide from that point on you will actively study, you could find yourself registering for an exam that certifies you at B2 by the 3-month mark (i.e., you could start now and reach B2 in 6-8 months with a few months of this natural acquisition and a few months of concentrated study).

Now, back to the language stuffs and whatnot.

Month One

After week one, everything really “slows down”, so to speak. I find capitalising on the excitement of starting with a new language is best. In my “month one”, I ended up taking a break almost two months long. Assuming this will not be you, you’ll pick up with what I did next in what was actually my month three.

Writing

You are going to write every day, no matter what. “No matter what”, but also, genuinely, no matter what. Things will happen, you’ll forget, you’ll have grand life changes, things you couldn’t expect. That’s okay. Commit yourself anyway to writing every day. It is up to you to know discretion and to know how to be kind to yourself. It is up to you to have grace. Remember, no one is running this but you. No one is coming. This is good. Discretion is up to you. Be disciplined and remember discretion is always up to you.

Start a blog. Make it public— this, the public part, I highly recommend. No one may read it, but go ahead and make it public. We are going to work with and undermine shame from the very beginning. It doesn’t matter what you learn. You can’t use what you learn if you don’t trust it and if you lack “confidence”, and more specifically, if you don’t know how to work with shame.

You can pay for a personal site or start a Tumblr (surely, there are other options, but if I weren’t running my personal site, I’d probably use Tumblr; this is also keeping within our $50 budget). Date every post and write whatever you want on any given day. The general rules for writing are:

• Write as much as you can in your target language. This means you will have sentences half in that language and half in your native language. You will have paragraphs half in your target language and half in your native language. Write exactly in this way. You will not always do this, but this will help you see where you are lacking knowledge, which words you consistently don’t know how to say, which grammatical structures you consistently don’t know how to translate, and which parts of yourself you don’t know how to communicate. I find this better than only working with what you have because it immediately tells you what you want to know how to say. It’s hard to know what you need until you need it. So force yourself to need it. From what you did in week one, you already have enough to begin writing. Remember, the objective is not “perfection”. The objective is a commitment to writing. There is inherent perfection in all your efforts.

  • If you only write with what you know, it will take longer to realise which of your personal phrases and idioms you don’t know how to say, which “high-level” grammatical structures (i.e., abstract ideas) you love to use but don’t currently have the knowledge to communicate, etc. I remember reading once that one of the hardest things to experience for people learning English as a second, third, fourth, etc. language, or people learning English out of necessity, was that they never had full access to their personality in some sense. Their whole life in English is somewhat stifling. As you work out grammar, accents, and basic communication in a language, your sense of humour gets lost, little inflections in tone get lost, little ways of speaking that say exactly who you are and where you come from get lost, and perceptions of your knowledge or “intelligence” get lost. Whole facets of who you are get lost. With any langauge, I’ve always wanted to bring me into it. I will be me, whoever that is. So, we want to immediately begin incorporating I, me, we. You are going to learn to incorporate you. From the very beginning. You will be you from the start.

• For now, if you read (we’ll get further into this), write about what you learned while reading. Use the vocabulary you learned while reading. If you watch a YouTube video (we’ll get further into this), write about what you learned while watching. Tell what happened. Describe any opinions of your own. Use what you learned while watching. Generally, you are going to somehow make contact with your new language every day. When you write, you are going to describe how you made contact and, if possible, describe what you made contact with (summarising a book, summarising a video, etc.). If you didn’t do much, say “I didn’t do much today”. You can leave it at that or continue and talk about your day regularly and describe what you did that had nothing to do with your language.

• Do not minimise yourself. Do not simplify your language. Do not erode yourself to communicate in your target language. If there is a specific phrase of yours, a complex phrase, that you do not know how to say in your chosen language, say it in your native language. If you want, first say what you can in the target language, but then go on and say what you really mean in your native language. Again, we want to keep track of all the things you’ll really need to say.
  
  You don’t want to learn how to only be a smaller version of yourself. You don’t want to learn how to only be less than who you are. You want to learn to communicate as the being, the person, you actually are. So let that person be. Do not minimise them for the sake of communication. You can grow in communication. You can grow to communicate more things. Make sure, for now, what you do communicate is accurate. Make sure it is truly you. You’ll learn how to help more of this specific person, you, communicate— with time. Start with what you know, then grow.

This is generally what you’ll need in writing. Again, you’ll write this way only at the beginning, for a few weeks. I spent longer in this phase, but it wasn’t out of necessity, and I won’t do this for longer than a few weeks in the future (assuming I’m not taking breaks that are several months or weeks long).

While you’re in this phase, here is what you do about what you do not know: look it up. It’s that easy. You are not going to change your text after you have looked it up, but you are going to still look it up. Your writing is not just an exercise but is also a growing document. It’s an archive. It’s a record of your knowledge at any given time. So you’re going to leave your archive to be an archive, but you’re still going to look up everything you do not know. The more you look things up, the more you will come to know. The more you look the same things up (repeated exposure), the more you will come to know. It’s that simple. Personally, I have a weird voice somewhere in my head that says looking things up is cheating. Some remnant of awkward institutions and “education”. In this setting, look things up. There is no cheating. You may feel a sense of impostor syndrome creeping up, so be very clear. If you are telling the truth about what you do and don’t know, there is no deceit. There is no impostor here.

If you’ve had certain experiences with “education”, it may be easy to confuse seeking help or using resources with some kind of deficiency. With being an impostor. Hopefully, we can resolve some of this confusion in our process.

Anyway, look things up. Here are my favourite resources (noting I was going between Italian and English, two languages for which there are usually a lot of resources):

• Reverso Context — My most used, by far. Provides translations and meanings with contextual examples. You’ll see sentences that show you how to use new words “properly”, which grammatical phrases they’re often a part of, synonyms for these words, etc. You’ll also get to see sentences that you may want in the future. These sentences will show you other words you don’t currently need but that are definitely useful. You’ll see them again and again, incidentally. Repeated exposure— the more you see, the more you come to know. You will not only start learning what you wanted to know, you will start casually integrating knowledge of a whole lot more.

• HiNative — You’ll use this to look through forums and get answers to some of your questions from native speakers. This is partially where you’ll learn colloquialisms, “slang”, perfection vs. reality, or little nuances you’re having trouble grasping. This was big for me when I first started, maybe in the first two weeks, but not so much now.

  • E.g. I at one point wanted to write that I wanted to take a nap. There were at least two words showing up for “nap” in the first few search results of Reverso Context: pisolino and sonnellino. The examples suggested no nuance, so I couldn’t tell the difference. I then went to Google and searched “pisolino vs sonnellino hinative”. I went through HiNative results until I felt I had found my answer. You may find similar results on Reddit or just in random articles, like this one from a mattress company that explains what they call the difference between a pisolino and sonnellino as well as the health benefits of the two (yay content marketing).

• YouTube — This one isn’t really a matter of research, but you’re going to find people who say things you might want to learn. Look at aesthetics, look at styles of dress, look at the titles of videos, and discern who amongst all of these [language] speakers can I relate to? Who would I talk to? Who would speak like my friends? It is from these people that you will start to learn more colloquialisms and styles of speaking that are specific to you. You may be more impressionable in the beginning. Be mindful of who you are learning from.

Lastly on writing, you’ll still be using Busuu (if it’s the app you started with). Like I mentioned, there are community exercises, and in these exercises, you’ll be asked to speak or write. When you choose to write, use everything you know. Because of how you’re learning, you may know more than Busuu is teaching you. If the lesson only taught you simple sentences, but you’ve been learning all sorts of connecting words, use them when you give your answer. Say as much as you can think of. This will give you the opportunity to get feedback from native speakers (and writers) on even more of what you’re learning as soon as possible. Don’t just stick to Busuu’s curriculum when getting feedback on Busuu. Write as much as you can (reasonably).

Reading

This will make the biggest difference in your progress, along with writing.

The first step here is obviously finding things to read. Make sure these are things you want to read. If you don’t usually read “the news” in your native language, don’t start forcing yourself to read “the news” in a new language. If there’s one odd day where something in the news might’ve caught your attention, on that one odd day, go read about it in your new language. Read what you want. Read what you’ll finish. Read what you like.

I like to have a combination of books, opinions, and articles. I brought a few books from Italy and browsed websites like Vogue Italia and Wired Italia for articles and opinions to read. For books, you could start with something you’ve read in your native language to be sure you’re interested in it or find something new that draws your interest. Either way, aim for a balance of whimsy/fun and utility. Find books that will discuss things you like to discuss and say things you like to say while also throwing in the odd “low-priority” word, like fairy. I do think it’s important to very quickly begin branching into different worlds. You’ll find a lot of children’s books do this.

When you read, you should quite immediately come across words you do not know. Just like when you’re writing, you’re going to do one thing: look them up. Look up every single word you do not know, no matter how small. You will move a bit slowly at first, but you will get faster. You will also need to look up fewer and fewer words as time passes. In the same way, entire populations of people generally use the same few hundred words in a majority of what they say, building up a little word bank, bodies of texts and writers do this too. Especially if you’re reading something that discusses a specific topic, many of the same words will repeatedly be used. By your third or fourth time seeing a word, you’ll start remembering it on your own. Eventually, there won’t be much you need to research. Nearly everything will be something you’ve seen before. So read and look everything up.

You will not always read your entire text at once. You may not even read an entire unit of your text (for example, a chapter). Remember, you’re reading quite slowly if you’re looking everything up, and we don’t want you to be exhausted. I would aim for at least 100 words. Read more if you want, but you’re going to have to remember what you’ve read for your next task, so keep that in mind.

As I mentioned in Writing, you are going to write about what you read. You’re going to do this in a very specific way. First, list every new word you read. Any word you didn’t know that you had to look up, write it down (or type it out). This is partially why you’ll not want to exceed 100 words. The more you read, the more you should be writing down. If you have the time available, go for it. If not, stick to 100 words. After you’ve listed every word, rewrite what you read. Tell it word for word if you can and use every new word. When you do this, you are not going to look at the source text. From memory, you are going to reconstruct every sentence. You have your new vocabulary list in front of you, and anything on that list is a word you already know and know how to use. You should have also comprehended what you read because you looked up words as you went. So, you have enough to reconstruct your text. Do your best.

I often would read my 100 words or so several times out loud, take a break, and then recite these words casually around the house. If they’re from an opinion article, speak as if you’re giving your opinion and talking to a friend. Make it natural. Tell and retell this excerpt from this article to your “friend” (an empty room). If these words are from a fairytale, give them emotion and speak like you’re telling this story to a child before bed. Tell the story and tell it again. Then sit down and, using only your new word bank, tell the story once again— in writing.

This can complete your writing exercise for the day. Or, if you have something else you want to say, say it.

You may not do this writing exercise every day, but on days that you read, do it.

Obvious caveat: do what you want. Remember, follow inspiration and curiosity. Read 1,000 words if you want to and then only stick to 100 for your writing exercise. I personally would just find myself feeling a sense of dissonance when I hadn’t done my writing exercise for all the words I learned while reading. I may’ve understood a lot while reading, but I didn’t feel I was retaining anything. These tips are to maximise what you are retaining.

For the last tip when it comes to writing, collect a list of prompts to respond to when you get bored. This is not something I did but something I recommend. It’s something that would’ve helped me retain a lot more. If all you ever do is write about what you did, you will start to say the same things over and over again. At least three times a week, work in some variety. Look for journal prompts or essay prompts and respond with around 200 words. This is something I’d like to do going forward as I move toward new goals.

Watching

A lot of progress is also going to be made via YouTube. Assuming you can find content in your new language, this is where you’ll get your immersion. A majority of it anyway.

To start, spend a day or two collecting channels and videos to watch. Like I mentioned earlier, you’ll want to be specific about who you learn from. Remember, you’ll be learning tone of voice, pronunciation, vernacular, and attitude from these people. They will either shape your personality or help you express your own in your new language. You want to lean more towards expression than shaping.

Find people by searching for things you normally watch, but in your target language. If you watch “monthly favourites” in English, you should be typing “preferiti del mese” (or the equivalent in your new language) into YouTube. If you watch 15K calorie challenges in English, you might be typing “mangio 15000 kcal” (or the equivalent) into YouTube. It doesn’t matter what it is. Find the equivalents and begin watching them. Your recommendations will soon fill up with more things for you to watch.

In addition to general entertainment, also work in some “normal” day-to-day videos. These will usually be vlogs, podcast videos, or even question-and-answer videos in which people talk about normal life. This is where you’ll naturally learn vocabulary you can use in your day-to-day life. Vocabulary around chores, medical appointments, errands you need to run, plans with friends, etc. Using context, you’ll pick a lot of new things up. If something confuses you, quickly look it up.

When possible, find multiple videos on the same topic to watch. Try to find multiple from the same person, and then begin to branch out. Each of us has our own distinct vernacular. We have our own word banks of a few thousand units that we use over and over again. When we’re discussing a specific topic, we might only be using a couple hundred over and over again. This is also true of whoever you watch. Seeing as you already know a lot of the words they use (you learned at least 300 common words in week one), and you’re looking some new words up, by a few videos in, you should know most of the words any given content creator is using. You are acquiring each of their individual word banks, one by one. Since you are circling one topic, even as you branch out to new people, you will already know a lot of the words used. Then through context and occasionally looking things up, you will begin to incorporate new words into your own growing word bank. You are effectively building up a collection of thematic word lists, but you are doing it naturally and causally, and sometimes, effortlessly. When you are done, to begin locking in new words, you will write.

Unlike with reading, you will not write every new word you learned. If you want, you can write a few that stuck out to you. All you should do here is summarise what you watched, in as much detail as you would in your native language while using any new words you learned. If you watched a vlog in which someone bought their dream car and picked up the specific phrase “auto dei sogni” in doing so, “auto dei sogni” should be somewhere in your summary at least once.

On subtitles: I was working with Italian. A lot of words between Italian and English are very similar. I started without subtitles and understood a lot. Depending on what you’re learning, this may not be the case for you. Use subtitles as you please, whenever you please. Just be sure you are active in what you are watching and try not to only read the language you already know. If it’s feasible, do everything without subtitles. Use facial expressions, context clues, tone of voice, etc., and begin discerning what you do and don’t know. Make assumptions and write what you think you know. Make guesses, be wrong, and correct yourself later. When possible, go all in, at full force.

Speaking

For the last part of Month One, with everything you do, you should be speaking. If you’re studying on OmniSets, every answer should be spoken. When you’re writing your posts, everything should also be spoken. When you’re reading, every word should also be spoken. When you’re doing Busuu, every question and answer should also be spoken. If you’re researching on Google (in your new language), everything you search and everything you read should be spoken. When you’re watching videos, new or interesting words and phrases should be spoken. Repeat them all. When you’re watching TV, repeat phrases and sentences. Repeat with emotion. Repeat with feeling. React to your TV shows with feeling. React in your new language. At almost every contact with your language, you should be speaking. Practise hearing yourself. Practise producing sound. Practise using your muscles. Practise speaking. If you have a random thought during the day that you know how to translate, it should be spoken. Throughout the day, every day, you should be speaking. If you don’t know how to say something, look it up, then speak.

And of course for speaking, you’ll want to speak to a native speaker. Make an account on iTalki and find a teacher in your new language. You’re going to have your first lesson before the end of month one. When you do, use your new language. There are things you’ve been learning how to say using Reverso Context. You’ve been assuming you’re using them properly. Now’s your chance to say some of these things to a native speaker and see what their feedback is. Maybe it’s something common in writing, but it’s never said. Maybe you’re close, but the grammatical structure isn’t quite right. This is when you can receive more precise feedback.

Like I mentioned with writing, don’t forget to also say as much as you can in speaking exercises on Busuu (the exercises at the end of a lesson where you’re asked to respond to a prompt).

Active Study

Your most active study for now will be via Anki. Either find or create a vocabulary list of 600-1000 frequently used words and begin studying on Anki. If you search Anki Web, you may be able to find a ready-made list. Otherwise, find a list of words you like, add them to Google Sheets or Excel (one word per cell, one column per language), and export as a CSV. Import this file into Anki. The default settings should have you learning 20 words a day. You can change this if you’d like.

Starting week three, you’ll be using Anki every day. It doesn’t always have to be the same deck, but you want to continue to strengthen your vocabulary every day.

Notes on Immersion

You generally want to be consuming as much in your new language as possible every day. For a while, I would only consume non-mandatorily English content in Italian. If I was craving a particular show and they didn’t have Italian dubs, I didn’t watch it. If I watched a news stream (sometimes these will pop up on your YouTube home feed), it was in Italian. I learned about Italian elections in Italian and I learned about a former American president’s convictions in Italian. Auditorily, nearly everything I consumed was in Italian. This had a massive effect on my progress.

To the best of your ability, heighten your degree of immersion. Use music, TV, YouTube, streams— whatever it may be. For as many hours of the day as possible, you want to hear your new language. The content does not need to be educational. Just cultivate deep immersion. Live in this language.

Overview of Month One

• Week One: See above.

• Week Two:

  • Day One: Start a blog. From now on, you will write every day. Search for and bookmark some webistes you could read articles from in the future. Search for and bookmark some YouTubers you will watch in the future. Set up Anki. Do at least two lessons. Do anything else you feel. Write about what you did.

  • Days Two-Seven: Do at least two lessons. Interact with your new language either via reading or watching YouTube. Do anything else you feel. Write about what you did (and remember your writing exercises). If you don’t read or watch YouTube, answer a journal or essay prompt.

• Week Three:

  • Days One-Seven: Do at least two lessons. Interact with your new language either via reading or watching YouTube. Do anything else you feel. Do Anki. Write about what you did (and remember your writing exercises). If you don’t read or watch YouTube, answer a journal or essay prompt.

• Week Four:

  • Repeat Week Three.

  • Meet once with a tutor on iTalki.

Month Two

At this point, almost everything you need, you have already been doing. The content you consume will change and grow, but the actual activities will stay the same. You will read and look up what you do not know, you will retell and summarise what you read, you will watch videos and look up what you do not know, you will write and summarise what you’ve heard and seen, you will speak at every opportunity you get, and you will consume your new language in every way possible. There is one thing we’re going to change.

Writing

From now on, when you write, everything will be in your new language. If you still want to distinguish between what you did and did not know, use italics or some other formatting, but nothing should be left in your native language. You may start to use Reverso Context more heavily. This is okay. We just need you to start using new structures more readily.

Just looking up new words and phrases doesn’t constitute learning or retention, so after you use them, you’re going to review them. Each day, read and re-read your blog post from the previous day. Read it out loud. Vary your tone of voice. Read like you’re truly speaking. Read it again and again. Spend at least 15 minutes doing this. When you catch some of the new words and phrases you looked up, try to hold onto them. Form new sentences with them out loud (just one or two, you don’t have to write them down).

Aside from this, everything will stay the same. You may be writing longer essays (you’re writing faster, maybe you can write twice as many words in your usual sitting), you may be reading longer articles and webpages, you may be watching different kinds of videos, etc., but the activities are staying the same.

Before the end of the month, schedule another iTalki lesson.

Overview of Month Two

• Every day: Do at least two lessons. Interact with your new language either via reading or watching YouTube. Do anything else you feel. Do Anki. Write about what you did (and remember your writing exercises) entirely in your new language. If you don’t read or watch YouTube, answer a journal or essay prompt entirely in your new language.

• Meet once with a tutor on iTalki.

Month Three

Again, we will have one change here. This change will be in communication.

Truthfully, you could begin this whenever you reached a point in your writing where you could talk about your days, the past, the present, the future, some hypotheticals, and your opinions entirely in the new langauge. This time may come earlier than month three, but even if it does, you should really be settled into your skills by month three. You should have some degree of confidence.

Anyway, the “this” you are beginning: forming more connections with native speakers. Download HelloTalk or Tandem. I previously would’ve recommended HelloTalk. Post– January 1st of 2025, I’m recommending Tandem. Make a profile. Describe yourself, your objectives, etc. in your new language. And then wait or begin messaging people right away. That’s it. You know the language. Now, use it. And communicate.

Sometimes, there will be things you do not know. Look them up. I have an app called AnkiPro on my phone (not affiliated with Anki). I have a deck called ‘Learning’. When someone uses words or phrases I don’t know, I look them up and add them to this deck. If I use a word or phrase I didn’t know and looked up, I add it to the deck. This deck gets studied nearly every night. If I didn’t know it then, I know it now. That’s it. Communicate and grow.

Overview of Month Three

• Every day: Do at least two lessons. Interact with your new language either via reading or watching YouTube. Do anything else you feel. Do Anki. Write about what you did (and remember your writing exercises) entirely in your new language. If you don’t read or watch YouTube, answer a journal or essay prompt entirely in your new language.

• Communicate with your new language on Tandem or HelloTalk nearly every day (take your regular social breaks, of course— remember, discretion is up to you).

• Use the remainder of your budget as you please: meet once with a tutor on iTalki (if possible), buy an audiobook, buy a regular book, etc.

Months Four-Six

This is a large time range, but again, there is not much to change. You will broadly do a lot of the same. You will deepen immersion, you will write every day, you will speak every day, you will communicate nearly every day, you will read nearly every day, you will consume every day, and you will live a life in your language every day. That’s it. Live. As you live, a few challenges here and there may arise. If they do, here is what will change.

You will begin incorporating more focused grammar lessons into your days. This may come in the form of books, YouTube videos, or “lessons” with AI assistants. When it comes to assistants, something like ChatGPT is quite good for generating endless practice questions for a grammar feature you just learned.

How you pick grammar lessons is up to you. You could pick a topic that’s been puzzling you that you just haven’t given your attention to (e.g. il congiuntivo) or you could pick something you’ve seen on some list of what B1 learners should know just to make sure you’re covering gaps in your knowledge. Whatever it is, at least two times a week you’re going to do a grammar lesson. Plan to spend at least 30 minutes on these lessons: 10 minutes reading or studying and 20+ minutes doing practice questions while reviewing the rules for whatever you get wrong. You ideally want to keep going until you reach the point of getting every question right. If the lessons are small and focused enough, this shouldn’t take too long. (E.g. a lesson on possessive adjectives vs. a lesson on adjectives— there are several kinds of adjectives, each of which has their own rules. If you’re studying the rules for all adjectives at once, you’ll need more than 30 minutes for this kind of review.).

Aside from this, you can begin incorporating more Anki decks as you please. Either generate your own decks or browse Anki Web and find decks that you think will introduce something new you could learn from. Use decks with audio whenever possible and repeat after the audios. Do up to 3 decks a day when studying with Anki.

This ending feels anticlimactic, but that’s really all there is. You really just front-load your efforts, lean back, and let it all sink in. Then incorporate more concerted effort as needed. Again, by that 3-month mark, if you wanted to begin studying for a certification exam, those lessons in months 4-6 would be a lot more frequent and a lot more focused around the specific content matter of a B1 exam, for example. I’d also recommend actively seeking out practice tests at that point and responding to the exact content these exams provide. But assuming you are simply learning to live, comprehend, and communicate, this is not needed. Just relax and live in your language.

Should I have anything else to say on this topic, I will be back. For now, this is it.

— Abeinghasnoname

Anyway, in a kind of celebration of this time, I thought I’d share with you how I developed this relationship with Italian, how I began speaking and understanding Italian, and how it became a language I communicate with. The following post was written the 11th of August 2024. I sat down to make a few notes and ended up with 7,640 words.

While this post is fairly comprehensive, it is not all-encompassing. My methods have changed since where I left the end of that post, my relationship has changed, my “fluency” has changed, and a lot more as well. I keep up with the changes in my daily posts on a personal site, but I will also describe some of these changes and what caused them on Monday, while offering current recommendations.

I believe that’s all I need to say for now. A post on how specific resources were used (Busuu, YouTube, Audible, etc.) may come at another time, but until then, this is how I began communicating in a new language.

Reading time: 32 min

I said in my first post when I began writing here in Italian that I would eventually publish my methods and perhaps make recommendations. I'm prepared to do that now.

For whatever reason, idea after idea has been coming to me and I feel distinctly compelled to share. After a review of context, I'll start with what I did to begin communicating effectively with native speakers within a month, how I continued post- two significant periods of exhaustion to reach an intermediate level within 5 months, and how I've more recently resolved moments of what could seem like waning interest. I'll follow with what I do now, having surpassed 7-8 total months of study and reached a point where I can regularly have mutually comprehensible conversations with Italian speakers. I'll then discuss any other ideas I've had, whether or not I've yet gotten a chance to implement them.

Context

I have a regular habit of traversing languages, making use of languages I previously have not, exploring alternate methods of communication, etc. I have been in consistent contact with languages that are not standard American English my entire life. Even more specifically, at different points, I have personally committed time and effort to learning to communicate in French, Mandarin, Latin, Spanish, Danish, Norwegian, Greek, [Russian,] and Portuguese. There was also about a week of Italian the autumn or late summer of 2017.

Previous linguistic exploration:

• French

  • Under a year in early childhood; Home tutor

  • A few months from 2017-2018; Extracurricular course, Self-study

  • Two months in 2020; Self-study

  • A week or two in 2021; Self-study

• Mandarin

  • Six-eight months from 2006-2007; Extracurricular course

• Latin

  • Eight+ months from 2009-2010; Academic course

• Spanish

  • Seven years from 2010-2017; Academic course

• Danish

  • Three-six months from 2014-2015; Self-study

• Norwegian

  • About two years from 2015-2017; Self-study

  • Continued regular interaction with the language until about 2019

• [Russian

  • A few weeks in 2017; Extracurricular course]

• Italian

  • A few days in 2017; Self-study

• Modern Greek

  • Two months in 2018; Academic course

  • Two months continued learning in 2018; Self-study

• Portuguese

  • A week or two some time between 2018 and 2021; Self-study

The languages I have previously been comfortably conversational in include Mandarin, Latin, Spanish, Norwegian, and Greek. Without study, I also have a natural understanding and comfort with Patwa (spoken in Jamaica) and some parts of African American Vernacular English (AAVE). These last two are particularly significant. I've noticed a lot of the grammatical structures in Italian that I find intuitive have perfect or near-perfect mirrors in Patwa and AAVE. My understanding of these structures has often felt even more natural than my understanding of structures that also exist in a language like Spanish.

Other knowledge:

• Patwa

  • Native

• AAVE

  • Semi-native

First

Preparation

In my mind, I consistently slip out of American English, but I don't know of any pattern in what I may slip into. Knowing the amount of vocabulary sitting in my head waiting to be uncovered and how much of that vocabulary could easily be confused with the Italian I was preparing to learn, one of the first things I did was begin rejecting other languages in all forms. I particularly did this with the languages I've previously been conversational in. The natural part of me that begins comprehending text and audio in other languages— as soon as I sensed it arising, I would tell myself I do not know [language], I do not understand [language], I do not use [language], I do not speak [language]. In fact, I began saying this to myself before I made my first effort in Italian, if you don't consider this an effort in itself. The two truths I allowed myself to accept: (1) I understand Italian and (2) I understand English. With time, I also allowed myself moments of difficulty with spoken English, but I'll get back to this.

Consumption

I was immediately consuming content in Italian. In fact, consuming came first. I was watching Odio il Natale on Netflix, decided in the moment I would book a trip to Chioggia, and decided in the following moment I would learn Italian and that this relationship with Italian would extend beyond my travel. This occurred the 18th of December in 2023, I believe. I was completing final exams, so the first official moment of learning was on the 21st ahead of my travel "deadline" set for the 29th of January.

I almost forgot: Odio il Natale is based on a Norwegian series, Hjem til Jul. I have previously watched and rewatched Hjem til Jul several times. Even before committing to this path, there were lines I could understand when they seemed to be perfect or near-perfect mirrors of lines from the Norwegian series. I was already extracting vocabulary from Odio il Natale at this point.

Apps

On the 21st of December, I downloaded Busuu. I remembered enjoying either Busuu or Memrise in the past, and settled on Busuu because of the community feedback on written and spoken exercises.

I used Busuu for about 2 days without other materials before reaching an unbearable point of understimulation. I then prepared to learn the most common 1,000 words in Italian.

Frequently Used Words

The commitment I made was 100 words a day. The task itself was simple, I could learn any set of 100 words within an hour, and usually within 30 minutes, but I got bored. The first few times, it was fun. After the third day (having learned 300 words), I began preferring pretty much anything else to this task. I don't think I reached 400 words from Strømmen's 1000 until over a week later. I never quite made it to the 500. I still haven't and that's very much okay with me.

Although I didn't study to 1,000, I want to discuss how I did study and memorise. In this first part of my relationship with the language, I used OmniSets. I was having trouble with Anki, and this was my favourite of the alternatives I found. Even now that I have Anki again, OmniSets is my first choice for certain situations. With OmniSets, I start by using multiple choice, selecting longer complete review, and answering with Italian. The sets I created have terms in Italian and definitions in English, so the following gives me a quiz that prompts with English words and offers four Italian options to choose from. For a completely new set of words or phrases I presumably know nothing of, this is how I begin. It allows me to use any intuition or instincts around cognates that I have and strengthen that trust immediately when I answer correctly. This was important. From the very beginning, a priority for me was developing instinct. Knowledge is easy. I can't use that knowledge if I don't have trust.

I completed quizzes at least twice this way before ever answering with definitions instead of terms. Because language can be a bit unpredicatable, I didn't manually create this set, there are duplicate words mapped to different meanings, etc., I never used the written choice option. It would only serve to penalise me for quirks of the set's construction and undermine developing instincts.

Although I was "rejecting" past knowledge, between my longterm familiarity with romance languages and learning the first few hundred words, I could make good sense of TV series' in Italian. I could make enough sense to understand phrases I was hearing, get excited about my comprehension, and begin repeating those phrases throughout the day. Along with the lessons I was doing on Busuu, I also knew enough by this point to begin writing about myself.

Writing & Scripting

Since I knew I would be travelling quite soon, within the first week and a half, I began scripting. I had some phrases that could generally be useful while travelling, some phrases that specifically communicate things I say frequently in English, and a few paragraphs describing my day, my plans, or how I ended up travelling to Chioggia.

The phrases were easy to remember. I kept them as a list in Google Sheets. Since many of them were short phrases that I use often, once I had a translation, I immediately had natural use for them. I hardly ever studied them but they stayed in my head. The vocabulary in the sentences also usually intersected with vocabulary from the first few hundred common words, so I had sufficient knowledge to derive many of the phrases if I couldn't outright remember them.

The paragraphs required a little more intention and the objective here was to learn and memorise them as I would vocabulary words. Each sentence was a flashcard, and I studied this way. Again, I already had some working knowledge of Italian so it wasn't terribly difficult, but this was the first point at which I was more consciously stretching my abilities and learning "higher level" grammar. I had a natural curiosity that prompted my trying to understand any structures in these sentences that weren't intuitive or easy to replicate with vocabulary alone. Some of these structures were present more than once and I began noticing them more in the content I was consuming, so I was able to train my understanding fairly quickly. I also frequently translate with Reverso Context, so translations are consistently accompanied by a wealth of contextual examples.

I believe I only ever wrote 3 paragraphs at the start. I had others planned but didn't complete them. Regardless, by the end of the first 1-2 weeks, I was already using Italian to communicate my own feelings and ideas and interjecting it into my daily stream of consciousness.

The End of Period One

Early in January, I had my first period of exhaustion. Exhaustion is perhaps misleading because it had nothing to do with Italian itself, but for reasons, my priorities had to shift and I was not able to commit to Italian in the same ways. I wasn't able to review materials as usual, but I did meet with two tutors 3-4 weeks before I left for Chioggia. In both lessons, the conversation was in Italian. No other concerted efforts were made during this time.

The level I reached that allowed me to have simple conversations resulted from at most 2 weeks of effort. I was of course still consuming content (audio and visual) throughout the other period, but I didn't consider it "study". At that point, it just so happened the content and entertainment I most wanted in my day often ended up being in the Italian language. I do still know whether I made an effort or not, any interaction with a language has impact. These interactions consisted of rewatching Odio il Natale, watching Summertime, and listening to music consistently.

While in Chioggia, I happily was able to use Italian to communicate on several occasions. Within my first 6 hours in Veneto, I'd gotten to make use of the language three times. The two most significant interactions included communicating with two of my hosts and communicating with a shop assistant soon after. I also used Italian briefly with my driver from the airport, but that was more a moment of yes, I have been learning and not much else. The following days had more interactions I really enjoyed, whether it was someone offering me help on the street, me buying pastries or lip balm, shopping at the market, etc. On one day in particular, I took the bus to Venice and had a bit of confusion finding the bus home. I successfully had a few conversations in Italian that got me where I needed to be, including someone checking back in to make sure I got on the right bus and the driver making sure I had the right stop after falling asleep.

I very much enjoyed my time in Chioggia and I returned knowing I would certainly be expanding in Italian. On the return, I did end up having a layover in Madrid and explored the city a bit so I also allowed myself to know Spanish again for about 24 hours.

Summary of Part One

1. Netflix — find a series to watch and rewatch or follow the plot of even without reading subtitles.

2. Busuu – learn the basics, begin forming sentences, access simple grammar lessons; receive feedback from native speakers as soon as possible.

3. OmniSets — use flashcards for study, spaced repetition, multiple question formats; use multiple choice for completely new input.

4. DeepL — access relatively accurate translations with options for alternative language.

5. Reverso Context — use for translation, translation in context, sentences, examples of vocabulary and grammatical structures in use.

6. HiNative — find answers to grammatical questions, learn nuances to vocabulary choices, discover specific phrases that may not be intuitive.

7. iTalki — schedule lessons with tutors or teachers in your target language.

8. Excel or Google Sheets — create spreadsheets and CSVs of your own vocabulary or sentences and phrases for future study via OmniSets or Anki, collect terms, document progress.

Other

1. Strømmen [or whichever resource you find] — collect the most frequently used words, ideally up to 500 and more ideally up to 1,000, but even 400 is sufficient to begin knowing verbs in different tenses and conjugated forms, connecting words, essential nouns and adjectives, etc.

2. Notebook — do at least a few journal prompts for translation and review with OmniSets; if you know what your first use of the language will be (eg. how did you end up in Chioggia?), create a script for this interaction and study it to immediately begin using a variety of tenses, sentence structures, etc.

3. Spotify — find music in genres you like.

Second

If you have seen the post where I mentioned I would detail my methods, you may have noticed that post was made the 10th of March. This is because I did not resume any efforts until around the 10th of March. February was something of a recovery period, and again, no intention was put towards Italian outside of watching Summertime and listening to music. At this point, I was still watching series with subtitles in English. My time spent in Chioggia and Madrid had other significance, and this period of time was me largely allowing that to settle in and reconfiguring my mind and other areas of life. Quite a few things fell together around the time I found renewed motivation to pursue this relationship with Italian, including beginning this website in late February. This website has had a critical role in the relationship.

Implementing Structure

One of the most notable decisions I made on March 10th was to begin writing and interacting with Italian every day. Retrospectively, I have more grace and realise nothing was fundamentally wrong with my process, but at the time I was displeased with how many days would pass without me interacting with Italian at all. I decided, no matter what, no matter how small, no day will pass without a single interaction. What's more, I will document what I do and make use of the language in doing so.

Reading & Writing

While in Chioggia, I had purchased a few books knowing how much more difficult it was to obtain Italian texts from New York. The first of these books that I opened in March was Pinocchio. I've still not finished Pinocchio, but it's been a very enjoyable read which reminds me to say you should read what you enjoy. The reason I have stopped reading it is because I stopped enjoying reading it. I did not continue a day longer. The instant I crave it again, I will pick it up.

I learned a lot from Pinocchio as can be seen in my documentation on the 10th and other days that followed. Even now, I can remember which words I first learned from that book. It usually makes me smile when I think back.

I didn't specify my methods for reading and writing so I will do that now.

For reading:

• I translated any word I did not know. Specifically, I used Reverso Context, as the contextual examples are very helpful. They are especially helpful when you are inadvertently translating only a part of a grammatical phrase and regular translation would provide you with something unintelligible. Reverso is also great for quickly seeing connections between conjugated forms and immediately teaching yourself to use a word in a way that's more applicable to you than the way in which you first saw it used.

For writing:

• As seen in the post, I listed any new words I had learned. If a word wasn't on the list, it is because it is a word I already was comfortable using and understanding from prior interactions with Italian.

• I wrote as much as I could in Italian. If I wasn't sure of how to communicate something in Italian, I used italics to indicate uncertainty. This helped relieve the pressure of perfection and immediately undermine any potential for shame, as my mind saw it as me being upfront with what I do and do not know. There are, of course, other mistakes I was not aware of not in italics, but that's okay too. I've already made clear my position as a learner and one who is ever-improving.

• For a time, when I was frequently reading, the procedure was to document new language and retell the story without looking at the original text using my new knowledge. On the days I read articles, I believe I just gave brief summaries of what they were about, sometimes only half a sentence long.

This second chunk of time also included printing many articles written in Italian, acquiring and reading Twilight, broadening my horizons on Netflix, finding content creators on YouTube, and beginning to use Anki.

Exploring YouTube

Of this deeper exploration, one of my favourite things I did was cultivate a relationship with Italian content on YouTube. How I use YouTube, or have used YouTube, is arguably the most important feature of my relationship with Italian thus far.

I'll start by saying I have a VPN that has been set to different cities in Italy since February, whether or not I'm on YouTube. On YouTube specifically, this makes it easier for me to find content originally made in Italian. I knew the content I would want to watch mostly includes lifestyle content, vlogs, etc., so I started searching relevant terms in those niches in Italian. Other kinds of videos have crossed my path or made it into rotation, but these have really been the bulk.

First Exposures

For a while, I was watching videos without subtitles. I really enjoyed this and was able to not only understand a lot but also immediately make use of what I was hearing because of the relatability of the content. I frequently would repeat phrases back once I'd heard them, if only because they felt good to say. My method to finding videos was to pick a topic and watch several videos on that topic. If I could, first several videos by the same creator, and then videos on the same topic from different creators. I got exposure to different accents and vernacular as soon as possible to increase my ability to comprehend. Because the videos often circled the same topic, I was also rapidly learning vocabulary and essential phrases in context and intuitively picking up new words without having to research them. I found by the end of the first few days using YouTube, I understood most of what I was hearing and was following the videos closely. Even if I couldn't remember Italian vocabulary off the top of my head, I could have told you what was discussed with specificity, nuance, and detail using English. I will say, a lot of words that may be considered intermediate in English have cognates in Italian that are quite common or accessible for beginners. It was only natural this part came easily.

Immersion

In the beginning, I would have YouTube playing while completing analytical work, i.e., it was mostly playing in the middle of the day. Over time, YouTube has become one of my favourite sources to interact with, in or out of Italian, but because I have found creators I genuinely enjoy, I tend to be consuming Italian even when I'm not trying. There was a gradual shift where I would be watching YouTube earlier and earlier in the day, whether or not I was simultaneously working. This content was almost always in Italian. Eventually, I realised the first language I heard for the day for weeks at a time was Italian, as was the last language I heard for the day. By this point, I'd also been talking to myself in Italian for at least a month, so I was having days where I'd start and end my days almost entirely consuming or consumed by Italian. I decided I liked this. I was having fun, so it went further.

Deepening Immersion & Forming a Need for Italian

Beyond just starting and ending with Italian, for several days Italian content was playing for nearly all hours I was awake. If there was not something else I had to be listening to, I was almost always hearing Italian. Sometimes, I was hearing from multiple sources at once (Netflix and YouTube). There was a specific period during which I was watching YouTube at a volume higher than I usually do. There was very little opportunity for my mind to convert the audio into background noise and not actively take in what I was hearing. I sometimes did this with Netflix too, but not quite as often. I very much enjoyed this period of time, and it is still some of the most fun I've had. The instant I no longer wanted this degree of immersion, I stopped, but it lasted a while. It was satisfying as I was doing it, and I would've been understimulated without it.

I was also very intent on developing an instinct for Italian, which I found myself successful in doing. I mentioned earlier occasional difficulties processing spoken English. That occurred during this time. This period also strengthened my mind's reflex to make use of Italian, whether it was able to or not. What I wanted was for my mind to automatically go to Italian whenever I had a desire to communicate or express a concept, even if only inside my head. It's less significant that I'm unable to express every concept. What matters is that English is not always second nature. Even if I can only produce gibberish, my tongue first begins operating in Italian, and my thoughts, however disjointed, first make use of words in Italian. It is only after those first moments, if I struggle, that they consider using English and asking how do we communicate this in Italian. There are some common phrases of mine now that I previously would've said in English that reflexively are always in Italian. It is only after thinking or saying them that I translate back to English. This kind of relationship was my objective. Something like a child learning their first language from the world.

Confidence is usually a major requirement for communicating in a language. Even as people acquire knowledge, their speaking is impeded by a lack in their ability to trust what they've learned. I find confidence is less of an issue if my mind doesn't think it has other options. What else would it use if not Italian? It'll have to make do with what it can. If only for a moment, Italian is all it can conceive of.

While there was sometimes intention given to this kind of immersion, I want to note it was mostly natural and I was enjoying it. At no point was I consuming content only because it was in Italian. The content that most entertained me, that most brought me joy, that most made me laugh, smile, and connect was in Italian. I could've watched English-speaking creators, and at times I did, but the entertainment I craved usually happened to be in Italian. At any point, had I decided to end my relationship with Italian, the creators I was watching would've been creators I continued to watch anyway. The immersion itself was pleasurable, and at no point was it overwhelming. I may continue to stress this further, but pleasure, joy, and play have been crucial. Play, especially, is how I learn (as opposed to how I'm able to perform the act of learning). I'd safely guess this is true for others as well.

Anki

At some point during this second chunk, I began using Anki. With Anki, I studied vocabulary from Busuu and vocabulary from Fluent Forever's first 625. For the Busuu deck, I adapted a script found on Reddit to extract material from my review dashboard (if you want all of the review material to be exported and not just the material that has an example attached to it, remove "--keyphrase" from line 1). The 625 deck was found on AnkiWeb.

Somewhere in this time, I also used the app AnkiApp to begin studying more verb infinitives. It was a set of 186 verbs sourced from Duolingo.

Netflix

As I mentioned, I was watching Netflix throughout this period. Honestly, it feels like an afterthought because it was hardly ever a main focus for me. In my mind, I was just watching TV. Only one series stands out as having a distinct educational experience attached to it. I particularly enjoyed the show and enjoyed how much I was comprehending and repeating, so I began a spreadsheet listing the phrases I picked up. I didn't end up moving to OmniSets with this list, but I believe the attention I gave to the material I was comprehending was significant.

Speaking

Besides my usual stream of consciousness and self-talk, I had one lesson with a tutor on iTalki in June. I also switched Alexa to a multilingual mode at some point. This meant I could give all the usual commands in Italian to practice speaking, and I could access translations faster than I might if I always had to use my laptop or phone.

Evaluation

Everything in this second chunk got me fairly quickly into a high intermediate level. Noting I was off for February and about 3 weeks in January, around 4.5 months of effort ending in June brought me to an ability to comprehend most written or audio content and communicate a lot of my own ideas. I have more precision and fluidity with writing than with speaking, but when I remember I'm this way as well with English, I don't too much mind it.

Summary of Part Two

1. Daily language interaction of any kind; the extent may vary greatly over time, but interaction is consistent.

2. Read and translate content frequently; translate every word using Reverso Context for deeper understanding and faster development; summarise or retell from your readings [without copying the source text] whenever possible.

3. Write every day whether it's documenting what you studied, talking about your day, or just saying "I didn't do much" in your target language.

4. Full immersion or the deepest immersion feasible; consume content you enjoy, content you love, and content you would be consuming even if it wasn't in your target language; train a reflex for living and operating in the desired language, even if you still have difficulty using it.

5. Build vocabulary with Anki, sourcing from Fluent Forever's First 625 and your lessons on Busuu.

6. Use Alexa or any smart assistant to practice speaking in mundane moments.

7. Continue using all previous tools and resources, develop grammatical understanding, familiarity with accents, useful sentences, etc.

8. Document anything that catches your attention or anything you have an inclination towards remembering; list phrases you understand, phrases that could be useful, your favourite lines from a series, interesting words in titles, etc.

9. Have a conversation with a native speaker at least once to validate what you've done so far and accept that you are capable of producing comprehensible communication.

Third

Early in July, I spent about a week braiding my hair. This provided the perfect opportunity for rejuvenation, as my connection to Italian had been waning. The most notable part of this period was once again, immersion.

Immersion: Netflix

I believe some time in June is when I started consuming content with subtitles in Italian. The first time this felt notable with regard to Netflix was during this week, starting around the 9th. This is also the first time I made proper use of my VPN with Netflix. I'd previously watched Netflix on my TV and primarily benefitted from the VPN on YouTube and in Google searches.

I watched several movies and, of course, YouTube as well. I was often awake through the night braiding my hair or tending to it in some way. I was kind of binge-watching these movies, and they were truly my primary source of entertainment. Again, this was natural. I had already been meeting my minimum requirements for interacting with Italian, and I could've easily done anything else without feeling I hadn't done enough. These movies, series, etc. were the genuine preference to alternative entertainment in English. I wasn't watching as a learner; I was watching as someone who wanted to watch movies while they ate dinner and braided their hair, that's all. I think this ease helped my receptivity.

The first movie was really good, but it was during the second that I began feeling like I was watching a movie in "my own" language. I wasn't thinking about Italian; sometimes needed subtitles, sometimes didn't; and my mind was most active with regard to the story being told.

Immersion: Audible

I continued watching movies, series, and YouTube videos for a few days, eventually also adding in audiobooks. I'd already been listening to a lot of audiobooks in English, and it occurred to me to look for some in Italian. I was able to find translations of books I know on Audible, so they were pretty immediately comprehensible. One night in particular, I listened for about 12 hours, and at least by halfway through, I again reached a point where I wasn't always aware I was consuming content in Italian. I was just consuming a story.

I should note, I was able to get a three-month free trial for Audible. With this trial, I've been amassing a little collection of books to listen to before three months pass. I maybe would've bought one or two books without a trial, but otherwise, I doubt I would be making such thorough use of audiobooks.

I should also note, I am listening almost entirely in one genre with which I am already very familiar: romance. Similar to the method of watching different YouTube videos on the same topic, this path allows me to quickly understand new texts (or audios) even if I do not know them in English or the only version that exists is Italian. There are a lot of tropes and cliches in the romance genre, not just in the plot but in specific lines, phrases, descriptions, etc. All of this seems to extend beyond national or cultural borders. Even if I only begin with a handful of familiar words and cognates, I almost never pass 20 seconds without some degree of comprehension, and usually, the comprehension is significant. Sometimes there are key words that entirely change a sentence's meaning, and I don't know them. If the following sentences don't clear up the general idea of what's happening, in Italian, I ask Alexa what the words mean in English.

I haven't watched movies as much since braiding, but I have still listened to books. I listened regularly enough that I sometimes didn't mention it in my daily posts, much like how I listen to music.

I'm also recalling now, I had previously begun audiobooks for Twilight on YouTube. The first time was maybe as early as April, and the second time, closer to July. I remember finding it comprehensible, but the fact I forgot this happened perhaps speaks to its minimal significance or how little attention I put towards it at those times.

Communication

In addition to brief updates here, I started committing to communication via iTalki and HelloTalk. I'd already been making some use of iTalki, but HelloTalk I hadn't used in several years.

The concept of HelloTalk so appeals to me, I think there was a time when I wanted to study a language just to begin making use of it. I've kept this app close in my memory over the years and when I started with Italian, I knew it was something I'd come to use in time. That time had finally arrived.

There's not much to say beyond I enjoy getting to make regular use of my knowledge in Italian and having conversations with native speakers. This was one of my main objectives when I started learning and I reached the conversational point at least two months sooner than planned, so it's been very gratifying.

Maintenance

The remainder of this period was mostly maintenance of past practices. I occasionally tried out a new app or technique that interested me, even if I only did it for a day. Generally, I like to have as many learning and contact options as possible, so when one stops adequately serving my needs and interests, I have others to turn to.

Evaluation

I don't know exactly when it happened — I think it probably was the braiding week — but at some point a new degree of comfort, confidence, and assumption settled in. Although I did take a few placement tests, this is the point at which I cared less about my exact level and more distinctly felt I live a life in Italian. It's not that every day felt so much that I was in that life, but I knew I could access that life when I wanted to. I could almost always say what I needed, even if that meant settling for a less precise statement; most of my day was happening in Italian; my own thoughts would no longer go beyond a minute without containing Italian; and I would do something like pick up an Italian book the same as I would pick up an English one. I was already working with an ability to command myself in some sense (eg. "I do not know [language]", "I understand English", "I do not speak [language]", "I understand Italian", etc.), but more specifically, at this time I didn't even feel I had to do this sort of thing. In the same way it wouldn't even occur to me to assume I know English, because, well, of course I do, it stopped occurring to me to assume I know Italian. I could still encounter plenty I did not know, but it was more like an 8-year-old me encountering English I did not know. This transition to finding Italian fairly normal probably fostered a lot of my displeasure with the then structure of my relationship with Italian. Next, I'll discuss what I do now.

Summary of Part Three

1. VPN — access more content in your target language, beyond subs, dubs, and translations.

2. Netflix — watch anything you want, span the same genre whenever possible to build up vocabulary intuitively and comfortably; watch hours of content at a time when possible only as desired.

3. Audible — consume as many audiobooks as you can find, within the same genre whenever possible.

4. Alexa [or any smart assistant that will communicate in two languages] — ask anything you do not know in the target language (eg. "Come si dice [qualcosa non ho capito] in inglese?"); ask what you want to know using your native langauge (eg. "How do you say [phrase of interest] in Italian?").

5. iTalki — increase the frequency of your conversations with native speakers, gain exposure to different kinds of conversations you may want to have, develop specialised vocabulary around topics of interest, refine vocabulary choices, etc.

6. HelloTalk — make connections with other native speakers of your target language, develop friendships or relationships with dedicated language exchange partners; refine vocabulary and writing, receive immediate and consistent feedback.

Now

By the end of July, I was quite fed up with the structure I had. It was tedious and I had fewer and fewer happy interactions with Italian. I'm realising now, Italian has become such a regular part of my life that the idea of documenting every little interaction and every little thing I do is torturous. That's like forcing myself to sit every day and write, "Today I went to the store, and when I interacted with the cashier, it was in English. I bought a bar of chocolate with packaging in English, and I was able to understand it. In the car, the radio was in English and I enjoyed the music that played." Actually, I found that more interesting to write, because where I was with Italian at the time, I was mostly doing the same thing every day. It was a chore to open my laptop every day to make "updates", and there wasn't enough breathing room to allow me to be inspired. I wasn't letting anything new come to me. My thoughts and actions had already been determined. I wasn't having fun.

At some point it occurred to me, I run this, and I was like, wow, I can stop just because I say so. It's been amazing since. Prior to this lull, I hardly ever had an interaction with Italian that did not include laughter, smiling, joy, or broader happiness. Since shifting my structure, that is again the norm.

On August 2nd, I made a post and described a bit of what would be changing. Most notably, I do not make posts of what I do every day. They were often incomplete anyway, and I am far more refreshed writing once a week. I can also make time to write a bit longer each time when I structure my practice this way.

Now, I can continue interacting with Italian every day, but without the looming task of updating a post. If I know I'm to document exactly what I do in Italian and I have other tasks to accomplish in my day, I'm somewhat incentivised to interact with Italian less to make sure I have time to note everything I have done. This was especially the case as I've increasingly put focus and energy on other projects, new work, tending to relationships, etc.

I was also developing a rigidity around taking notes. Because I saw this as my place to take notes but I did not enjoy taking notes here, I was often not taking all the notes I could've been. This was even happening quite early on with something like documenting my progress through Twilight. It would take hours to type out everything I was learning. My inclination wasn't to then take notes elsewhere. It somehow was to not take notes at all. I think I would intend to return and update with all of my knowledge, but that just wouldn't happen, so that notetaking opportunity ended up lost as I emotionally moved on.

Keeping a journal by hand allows me to take fast notes, annotate notes, highlight notes, reread notes, etc. I'm loving it.

There are some specific methods I'm enjoying and new ideas I've had, but that will all go in the next section since it's at most been 11 days since I've used any of them.

Also, I've stopped using Busuu consistently, and it's been a couple of weeks since Anki.

Summary of Now

1. Live — live in your target language as you would any other.

2. Take notes by hand — continue interacting every day, taking note of whatever interests you; annotate your notes with colour-coding if that at all intrigues you.

3. Do what you want — you are in charge of this, there is no one else, you answer to you; be honest about what you know of how your mind works and what your needs are; very few things [if any at all] can be adequately described by "being lazy"; think deeply, figure out why you are not committed to certain actions or why you are resistant to them; figure out which of your needs are and are not being met; re-adjust and set new priorities as needed; skipping the intellectual work of understanding yourself to dismiss yourself as just not wanting to do something will not give you the answers you need to find success quickly and smoothly.

Techniques for Future

Already in Use

1. Aside from regular journalling and notetaking, write a few hundred words once a week. Publish if possible.

2. Keep a notebook of anything that interests you. Write down solitary sentences or word pairings you like or may want to use. Write down a sentence you heard in a show that made you feel pleased when you realised you could understand it. When you have thoughts throughout the day in the language with which you're building a relationship, write them down. Allow that stream of consciousness to continue and research anything you do not know how to communicate. Research using a combination of DeepL, Reverso Context, and HiNative. Accept that you are someone who can communicate in this language as you just have.

3. Annotate your writing. In my notebook, I have four colours for annotation.

   1. Blue for topic headings (if that's relevant, like when taking notes from a YouTube channel that teaches Italian),

   2. Red for essential vocabulary and phrases I had to research to be confident in or learn for the first time (essential as in essential based on how I speak, how I communicate, the words and phrases I am likely to want or need most often),

   3. Green for new information not deemed essential, and

   4. Purple for anything I'm still not completely clear on even after finding translations.

Just Started or To Be Used

1. Write down sentences from texts you read and list alternates relevant to you. I've started doing this with Twilight to foster relationships with new grammatical structures and verb tenses I hardly use, to think creatively, to advance my Italian communication ability closer to my ability in English, etc.

2. When you search for a word on Reverso Context and immediately start noticing examples you might use or things you've said in your native language, write them down. They could seem randomly placed on your page, but write them down. If any other sentences occur to you now that you have context, write them down. Anything that comes to mind in that moment, write it down.

The general idea moving forward is: live and write it down. Be unorganised if you must, but live and write everything that catches you down. Since I almost always have my notebooks on me, I can flip through them and continue repeating phrases or rereading my writing as often as I want. I also print my weekly writing and keep those in the primary bag I carry about. When I have moments to, I reread and annotate those as well.

I may or may not update with little things that didn't get mentioned, like writing my typical tasks and to-do lists in Italian. I'll likely also make posts on specific tools like Busuu or Anki, as there are some notable points to be made about how I used them.

Oh yeah, funnily enough, during the second learning chunk, a lot of knowledge I'd genuinely forgotten from Spanish began returning. I'm not even referring to knowledge I tried to compel myself to forget. There were things I wouldn't have had any idea how to say if you'd asked me in November of 2023, but for whatever reason on some beautiful day mid-May, an entire sentence would pop into my head when I went to speak in Italian. I have noticed lately (since the start of August) that when I've come in contact with Spanish aurally and understand it, I'm understanding it as someone who knows Italian, not as someone who has spoken Spanish. It's not being understood in the sense that I once had this knowledge and it's familiar. It's being understood in the sense of wait; that sounds familiar; oh, it sounds quite a bit like this word in Italian, I suppose it means the same thing. Sometimes, minutes after this first feeling, I can start recalling from my past knowledge in Spanish, but it takes a pretty concerted effort for this to produce results, and even then, the connection doesn't feel quite there. Just something I've noticed that I find cool.

I forgot to mention time spent learning Russian, American Sign Language (ASL), and La langue des signes française (LSF).

I’ll see you Monday with more formal recommendations on communicating in a new language and what I would do if starting from scratch.

— Abeinghasnoname

What makes a privilege?

Disabled people are often denied accommodations because of "privilege". Because of the concept of privilege. Working from home is a privilege.

Is having what you want a privilege? Always?

Is having what you need?

What if all that you want is what you need? Then, where is the line of "privilege"?

In my head, it's not a privilege to work from home but I know it's treated as such. It's something you "earn", it's based on seniority, etc. etc.

I'm thinking what makes it a privilege. Why is it seen as such?

And all I can think is because it's something someone wants.

Imagine that. To keep something from someone simply because it's something they want. Surely, that can't be enough. That can't be the reason. There has to be more.

But I wonder, if people didn't want it, if working in the office was what most desired, what they even made requests for, would work from home still be dangled over employees' heads? I don't know. I can't answer either way with certainty.

Would employers focus on the financial benefits of working from home, making it standard, and occasionally allow the privilege of sharing a space, using company resources, socialising in different ways, etc.? I don't know. They could.

Wants are often undervalued. They're far too degraded and I don't know why. Wants trace back to needs if you study them carefully. If you pay attention. Of course, you can't concede all wants, I understand the necessity of differentiating between the two to set priority. I less understand the complete lack of inspection once something has been deemed a want. Where is it coming from? Why do they want what they want?

A lot of people who enjoy working from home, prefer working from home, request working from home, etc. do so [presumably] without a disability. Even still, their expression of that desire is often stemming from a need, a need that optimises their function. Not necessarily their function as an employee, but their function as a human, and that optimisation will come through in all that they do. It will change environments and worlds. A lot of people are asking simply because they'd like to suffer less, struggle less, emotionally tire less in their day. "Simply" isn't to undermine the gravity of their reasoning, but to highlight the lack of a threat in their desires and motivations. Whether or not someone has a notable, recorded, DOL-recognised disability, a lot of people are simply asking Could you make it easier for me to do what you ask, to help you with what you need? Would you please allow me a life with more ease?

I don't know, it seems a lot of people are threatened by ease. There is a kind of fixation on struggle, harm, isn't there. How do we get through this? How do we tell people it's okay to allow someone ease.*

It's a projection of a lack of self-confidence, in some sense, as many things are. The idea that all must suffer beyond reason, with "beyond reason" referring to events such as heartbreak and grief. Mandating unnecessary difficulty and struggle, even creating it when it doesn't exist, suggests an inability to fully envision a world where people are okay and they're happy. Happiness is almost threatening, I guess. It suggests a personal experience with suffering, in fact, it suggests more than one, and it suggests an inability or refusal to see other options. It suggests an inability to see a way forward without the suffering of others or even oneself. It suggests a lack of imagination. A lack of creativity.

1 July 2024 00:03:16

*I'm reminded of something else I've been thinking on. Harm has very little use in this world. But this is something I'll come back to.

00:22:27

Would you allow yourself the honour of caring for me and granting me ease?

01:06:51

I've just realised it's the first day of Disability Pride Month. Hm.

[Conceived 15 Nov 2023 circa 15:32]

On this conversation about Generation Alpha and their difficulties in education.

The shift of blame from the educational system in the U.S. onto people victimised by the educational system in the U.S. will be tragic.

We've been pretending people under the age of 18 aren't full human beings who hurt and feel things and have needs that need to be met in order to excel. The systems and people meant to be in positions to cultivate an intrinsic motivation to learn have been undervalued and dismissed. Simultaneously, children are observing as the people who've come before them and progressed through the educational system lack fulfilment, joy, and their own motivation in life.

There are still reasons to learn, it's a beautiful thing, but it certainly hasn't been framed or set up that way in our educational system and many educators aren't given adequate support to encourage that hopeful framing in their students either. A sense of intrinsic value has been lost and education has turned into "because I said so" which we know humans, in general, don't respond well to. It's as if we set up education as the thing you do so you'll be seen as a person deserving of having basic needs met (housing, food, water, etc.) only for people with college degrees to still be skipping meals.

The "it's because of remote learning" is an easy contribution to broader delegitimising of accommodations for disabled people and disabled students. Remote learning is not a sufficient explanation, especially given many of the children who now have difficulties with skills like reading and comprehension should have had these skills strengthened a few years before nationwide remote learning began. What's more, remote learning has been used for at least a decade prior to the pandemic as a tool for enrichment programs, tutoring programs, extra-curricular learning, and helping students progress beyond their grade level amongst other things. It's a tool. It's a mode. It requires you know how to use it and it requires you have the knowledge to form effective plans that allow you to reach your desired outcome.

Circa 17:52

The conversations around Generation Alpha very much remind me of "no one wants to work anymore". "No one wants to learn anymore" or almost "No one wants to work [intellectually] anymore" and I feel like arguments of "no one wants to _____ anymore" can frequently be answered with no one wants to treat [group that's supposed to be doing the thing] with respect anymore. No one wants to tend to them anymore.

Whenever you are observing a behavioural issue with any one, any being, any living thing,

First, you ask if the needs are being met, ask if whatever entity is in distress or even in a position to do what is needed or asked.

— Abeinghasnoname

[Built on and continuing from 'On Delusion', which identifies two forms of “delusion” and provides examples for each. Claiming to not need love is presented as an example of delusion that does harm, while acting as if of course you are loved is presented as an example of “delusion” that works to your benefit.]

The delusion that betters your life

"Some might associate being delusional with a disconnect from reality."

That's just it. That is why this kind of delusion works. In fact, it's bringing you closer to reality, not disconnecting you from it. I'm always a bit uneasy even using "delusion" because of this. A sense of delusion is subjective. Am I disconnecting from my reality or yours? They are not the same. What's more, we are impacted by our experiences. We result from the lives we've lived and we use our resulting existence to continue to produce life. The reality we believe we're disconnecting from may not be real to begin with.

Considering the delusion that does harm

Why is this reality real? Why can we be more certain that the delusion that does harm is one that centers a genuine disconnect from reality? It seems emotion and intrinsic needs are the most real of all. A denial of these is a legitimate disconnect from reality. This makes sense. I'm reminded of the idea all emotions are valid and all somewhat "objectively" make sense*. What is done with the emotions is another issue entirely. The "delusion" that betters life is not working with such "objective" and basic truths as emotion, chemical reactions, fundamental needs for survival. It's not distorting the reality of the hardware we have and how our systems most basically operate. It's challenging the outputs of our collective systems, it's challenging our calculations, it's asking "but perhaps there's been an error?" It's interrogating and reworking most everything subjective so we can fine-tune our programs and produce better results. It challenges beliefs and creations, created beliefs, and arrogance to suggest there will always be something you do not know. Something you cannot see. That is the delusion that "works". Like gratitude, it is truth-seeking. Like gratitude, it is an acknowledgement of reality and a rather refusal to succumb to another's constructions laid out before you. It seems all the things that work are truth-seeking, or many of them are. The issue here now is resolving the use of "delusion" for truth-seeking behaviour. If you truth-seek in a way that violates the decided reality of another, you operate under their "delusion".

In some ways, all language is a bit like cryptography. Perpetually turning the wheels, trying to map your own definitions to another's**.

*To say an emotion makes sense is not to say the thinking or reasoning that produces an emotion "makes sense". Simply, all things considered, all experiences, all conditioning, all trauma considered, it "makes sense" a system would operate in such a way that certain inputs produce a particular emotion. This does not imply all of the claims resting in a mind or belief system hold true.

**My word means what in your language? Your word means something else entirely in mine.

1. I don’t think a lot of people understand sample space and event. I think a lot of people resent sample space when experiencing event. They think it invalidates their event. If you say something is possible, it can be done (sample space), they are angered if it’s not a reflection of their event. They think you are denying their event. Which, to be fair, a lot of people are. These people do not understand sample space and event. Many people who talk about what’s possible are trying to invalidate you, and it’s because they, too, do not understand a sample space is not an event.
   
   You can have what you want. → Observation of the sample space.
   I have not gotten what I want. → Description of an event.
   
   Arguments are made where they don’t exist. Conflicts are made where they “shouldn’t” have been. There are no contradictions, yet there’s “opposition”. A false opposition set up by feelings of invalidation.
   
   Sample space. Event. Separate concepts. Separate, but friends. They make each other, in some sense.
   
   

2. We all have the same 24 hours.
   
   As I have said before, use of this is usually a form of deflection or distraction.
   
   It’s a trap that prompts you to abandon sense and bite into an irrelevant argument you don’t need to bite into. It has you play with literal and hyperbolic meanings until no one is ever quite on the same page, and you’re just going in circles. Yes, I’m aware there are 24 hours in a day just as I’m aware there are 12 inches in a foot, humans are mammals, and there’s oxygen in the air we breathe, but what does kindergarten trivia have to do with the conversation we’re usually having about labour, exploitation, inequitable distribution of resources, etc.? Focus on the current conversation.
   
   It’s a rhetorical trap that tempts you into making “nonsense” arguments or claims that are easy to argue against. It reminds me of straw man fallacies. It’s a weird offspring of straw man and trivial objection fallacies. Even if [the setup is] unconscious, which I believe it often is, use of this phrase typically indicates a pattern of fallacious reasoning, difficulty reasoning, or difficulty with comprehension. Identifying this statement as irrelevant to the topic at hand requires comprehension of the topic. Because days are generally defined as 24-hour periods, I believe this phrase is repeated because people hear it, go Oh yeah, that is true, there are 24 hours in a day, and make no further inspection of what’s being said.
   
   I get the sense there would be difficulty with reading comprehension. Specifically, if I gave a reading comprehension passage with intentionally “distracting” details followed by questions asking for summary, I get the sense there would be a lot of answers that do not accurately provide summary.
   
   Misuse of evidence, to me, speaks to a difficulty with comprehension. If someone brings up an irrelevant point, they are not understanding what’s being discussed. They are not understanding what would qualify as relevant. And I doubt that comprehension difficulty is restricted to one topic and one conversation alone.
   
   This is also not a comment on personal achievement or character. I find it a comment on education. If comprehension difficulty is being displayed so broadly, this is a matter of education.
   
   Sure, some of it is a little more intentional, but again, I believe misuse of “24 hours” is rarely malicious.
   
   

3. About 3 things make the basis for all arguments or disagreements. I don’t know about “argument” or “disagreement”, but maybe “fight”. I don’t believe the interactions I’m thinking of are adequately exemplary of either “argument” or “disagreement”. “Fight” can be verbal or otherwise. In this case, I mean verbal. I don’t know. Think any back and forth with a sense of opposition, rising anger, upset, etc. About 3 things make the basis for these disagreements. Perhaps, two things that split into 3: Definition and Ability. There are 2 particular abilities, comprehension and reasoning, so in total we have 3 keys to disagreement: definition, comprehension, and reasoning.

— Abeinghasnoname

[Update circa 15:47:58 to include thought had earlier in the day.]

4. Have we considered that what’s predetermined is the infinite nature of possibility? The thing that is set in stone is not the designation of an event, but rather, a sample space defined in such a way that any event falls in this sample space? Perhaps what’s defined is existence. Everything else is infinite, ever-changing, ever-producing new results. Is predetermination the problem?